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lumbering, I can tell you; and he used him what I was after, he sniggered to say that his father was raised in like a hog in a beanfield, and said it Scotland, somewhere about Kilmar- was the easiest thing in the creation nock, where they make hosiery that to get my pedigree made out, and whips all creation. So, when I was that he knew a first-chop hand at down in the north, I went to that genealogies, who would rummage out location-no parks there, I can tell the history of every Ewins that had you ; the folk have too much gump- cut teeth, only I must lay my account tion for that—and I began to poke to come down handsomely with the up for my ancestors. I'm blest if dollars. I said I didn't mind standI mightn't as well have tried to ing up to the rack for once in a way; whistle a grape-vine from a white- so he introduced me to a queer old oak! No man's telescope there was hunker of the name of M‘Scutcheon, pulled out to reach beyond gaze of a chap with a mouldy wig and fishy his father. I put an advertisement eyes, who asked me the names of my into the papers, to the effect that any father and grandfather, and then said person who could give information that he would make the proper inregarding a certain Ewins, who was quiries, and had not the least doubt supposed to have emigrated from that he would succeed in finding me Kilmarnock about the year 1770, a pedigree. But,' says he, Mr would hear of something to his ad- Ewins, how far back would you wish vantage ; and then, jewhillikens ! if me to go, for that makes some differI didn't get as many letters as ever ence in the cost ?'Go the whole reached the President of the United figure, old hoss!' says I; ‘Right it States when a place in the customs to the beginning of time!' That's was vacant. There were Ewinses, enough, sir,' says he; you shall hear and Ewings, and Ewarts, and Irv. from me in the course of a fortnight.' ings, and Owens, and Eunsons, all "I hope,” said I," that the result mad' to know if there was any legacy was in every way satisfactory.” forthcoming, and all ready to swear “I guess it was ; though, when that they were the legitimate descen- I saw the bill, I allow I was as dants. I guess I cut them as short wrathy as a ram-cat in a shower-bath. as a barkeeper would a loafer's tally! But it ain't many dukes in England I didn't calculate, when I wrote the that have got such a pedigree as notice, on bringing a whole bilin' of mine, I can tell you, and when I go suckers about my legs; so I jest put back to the United States, my! the letters in the fire, and absquatu- won't I hold up my head like a Narlated from Kilmarnock as smart as if ragansett pacer? Won't I be a big the yellow fever had been there." bug there? Oh, no!”

“ It must be confessed that such Here Mr Ewins hitched up his an advertisement was calculated to trousers in an ecstasy of supreme -stimulate the rapacity of the ravens. delight, grinned, chuckled, and exIt was as alluring as the old war- pectorated. tune of the clan Cameron, 'Come to “Darned if it ain't stuniferous !” me, and I will give you flesh.' But he continued. “I say, mister, you're what occurred next, Mr Ewins ?” a kinder judge of these things ; sup

“Why then, I pulled up stakes and pose, now, you jest step with me to went to Edinburgh. A nighty proud my hotel, and I'll show you somekind of chaps they are in that city, thing that'll allfiredly astonish you." head and tail up like chicken-cocks As a matter of course I accepted in laying-time ; but I scraped ac- the invitation, for I was really curiquaintance with one or two fellows ous to know how far the ingenious that were not so offish and stuck-up M'Scutcheon had pushed his inventas the rest, among others an old law- ive powers in a case which was by no yer called Shearaway.

means promising. I was aware that "Ah, my kind old friend ! I hope the said M‘Scutcheon was a fellow you left him well ?”

of infinite fancy. He had concocted ' As tight as the bark of a tree," claims to no less than four Nova replied Mr Ewins. “He's a 'cute old Scotia baronetcies which were popu'coon is Sheara way; for when I told larly supposed to be extinct; and





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got his clients served, by complaisant style, gorgeous with gules and azure,
juries, to titles of honour which they and at the base of the trunk was in-
had no more real right to assume scribed the following legend :-
than I have to take upon me the
style of the Cham of Tartary. Like- “ FONIDER OF T DE FAMILY,
wise he had made a most gallant but
unsuccessful attempt to resuscitate a


MARRIED CROMLECH, defunct earldom, by fabricating a

OF MACBETH, KING OF galvanic chain of honour between a


PERISHED AT THE SIEGE younger brother of the last peer and

OF DUNSINANE, ANNO DOMINI MLXI." his own employer ; of which chain, on strict investigation, only two links There, mister!

What do you proved to be spurious. But on the think of that for a beginning ?” wide common field of heraldry, where shouted the exulting Yankee. “Ain't no challenge was to be expected, that a rumfoozler Darned if I M“Scutcheon ruled without a rival. don't feel as proud as a tame turHe could find you a progenitor of key!” And he went whirling round note and eminence at any particular the apartment like an inspired teeperiod of history you might happen totum. to desire, and establish the reality I confess that I felt a strong inclinaof his quondam existence by extracts tion to give audible vent to my inward from charter and sasine. Ăncestors mirth; nevertheless, by a powerful he would furnish to order, just as a effort,'I restrained myself; for there dealer of Wardour Street can provide is no subject upon which men are so you, at an hour's notice, with a com- touchy as that of their descent; and plete series of family portraits; and though I could hardly suppose that if you wished for a dash of the blood- Mr Ewins had implicit faith in the royal, why, you could have it injected veracity of M'Scutcheon, he was into your veins for the moderate clearly interested in maintaining the extra charge of fifteen guineas. Pur- genuineness of the document for chasers of pedigrees are invariably which he had paid so exorbitant a men with long purses ; and Mr price. I therefore contented myself M.Scutcheon, in his award of the with tracing the high house of Ewins honours of descent, was scrupulous from so auspicious a root to the prein one respect only-viz., that the sent representative. I must admit honours should be in exact corre- that it gave me a high idea of the spondence to the magnitude of the genius of the framer. The Maormors honorarium which he received. speedily disappeared ; but the intro

On arriving at his hotel, Mr Ewins duction of the feudal system was desired the waiter to fetch two rum- marked by the apparition of one mers of a peculiar compound called Evanus de Clackmannan, whose son, "pig and whistle,” of which he had however, for some reason unassigned, furnished the recipe; and these be- dropped the territorial title, and aping discussed, he produced from a peared simply, as Reginald Fitzcloset a tubular japanned case, such Ewin, miles. It appeared that the as is used for holding plans, whereon grandson of this modest soldier, hav, was inscribed, in large letters of gold, ing divested himself of the Fitz, had “FAMILY TREE OF EwINS OF THAT received a grant from the Crown ILK.”

(tempore Roberti Tertii) of certain “That, I consider, Squire, is no lands in Ayrshire, which were erected small potatoes !” said the Ewins, into barony, and thereafter the pointing with exultation to the scroll. family was designated as Ewins of ** But wait till you see what’s within. that İlk. There was a Sir Ludowick I

guess it's up to the rub; a sight of Ewins, who died at Flodien, and a that will raise Cain throughout the Sir James Ewins, who, very stupidly, Union !”

involved himself in the Bothwell And he drew out a long roll of business in Queen Mary's time; parchment, which he deliberately whereupon the estates passed to a unfolded. It was an ancestral tree, younger branch, who enjoyed them got up in M'Scutcheon’s very best without molestation until the period


of the Civil Wars, when the Ewins with Jean Puddifute, a daughter of of the day joined the Marquis of Puddifute of Cowthrapple. Being Montrose, and incurred forfeiture as unable to maintain himself as a genthe penalty, The rich Barony of tleman ought to do, and being exEwins was then gifted to the power- ceedingly unwilling to defile his finful Earls of Glencairn, who, in order gers with any touch of manufactures, to obliterate all memory of the an- Charles Louis Ewins emigrated to cient possessors, the descendants of America, where his son Enoch, the the Maormors, changed the name of lumberer, was ushered into the world. the estate, which is now known by Enoch begat Aaron Ewins, whose the base appellation of Puddock- calling was that of an itinerant merholes. The Ewinses were thence- chant; and Aaron was the father of forth landless, but undismayed. my friend Jefferson Job Ewins, in Walter Ewins, the male representa- whose person the honours of this tive of the race, was a soldier of for- illustrious line were now concentune in the Low Countries, attained trated. the rank of colonel, and served under Such was the information I gatherViscount Dundee in his desperate ed from the ancestral tree, and an attempt to retrieve the waning for- appended historical memoir ; and I tunes of the Stuarts. After the fall could not but admire the dexterity of his great commander he retired to with which M.Scutcheon had piloted France, where he received from the the family through the vicissitudes grateful but dethroned monarch the of so many centuries. Of a surety St Germains title of Lord Dyvour- there was something extravagantly stone, which, however, he did not preposterous in the idea that the assume. He married the daughter blood of the remorseless Macbeth, the of a French fermier general, and be slayer of the gracious Duncan, circugat two sons—Charles Louis, of lated in the veins of the eccentric whom more anon, and Jacques, his Yankee ; nevertheless, if the compilyounger brother, whose line termi- ations of modern heralds are to be nated by the death, on the field of relied on, such anomalies are by no Borodino, of the celebrated Comte means of rare occurrence. d'Ouaines, for whom, as is well known, However, to do Mr Ewins justice, had he survived that bloody fight, I must say that, after the first burst the great Napoleon had reserved the of exultation was over, he ceased to honour of the baton of a marechal. harp upon his ancestry, and dropped Charles Louis, who was engaged in the subject so soon as the scroll was commercial affairs, did not, as a mat- returned to its case. I devoutly wish ter of course, turn out in the 1745; that people who have a somewhat but he did what was quite as foolish better authenticated pedigree than -viz., advanced large sums of money his would imitate his example, for I to the insurgents, especially to the know of no greater trial to the temper unfortunate Earl of Kilmarnock, who than being compelled to listen to the suffered upon Tower Hill. Accord- harangues of a fellow who persists, ing to M'Scutcheon, who now quoted on all occasions, in glorifying himself from what he called the Pittenweem by parading his dull genealogy. GenPapers," — documents which pos- tlemen who are addicted to this silly sibly may exist, but have never been practice cannot surely be aware that printed, Charles Louis Ewins came the effect which it produces on their to Scotland with the view of ascer- audience is extremely detrimental taining whether, on account of bonds to themselves, since it engenders a granted previous to the Rebellion, strong suspicion that they have nohe was not entitled to rank as a thing else to boast of, and that they creditor on the Kilmarnock estate. are trying to cover their personal inWhen there, news reached him that significance by vapouring about their the house in which his whole capital blazons and their quarterings. was embarked had gone to smash; Mr Ewins then proceeded without and being too proud, under such any reserve, his heart being apparcircumstances, to return to France, ently opened by this confidential he contracted a matrimonial alliance communication, to detail his plans



for the future. He had intended, he to exhibit. In brief, my accomplished said, to return early in the spring to and long-descended friend intimated America; but the prospect of gain to me that it was his intention to arising from speculation, which the sojourn in England so long as there

, English share-market promised, was any prospect of plunder; "after so tempting that he had changed his which," said he, “I'm off, like a streak mind. ` Already he had dealt largely of greased lightning; and the chap in scrip, with far more profitable re- that tries to get hold of me will catch sults than legitimate trading could an elbow-jar, worse than if he had have produced; and, gratified as he sniggled an electric eel.”

" was by the mere fact of his having This sort of conversation had for cleared several thousand dollars, the me a peculiar interest, because I could patriotic reflection that they were not help seeing that a monetary crisis drawn from the pockets of the Brit- was impending; and although at ishers gave a double zest to his en- that time I had not given much of joyment. Nor can I imagine that my attention to questions of political any man was ever better qualified, economy, it struck me that the Govthrough natural aptitude and train- ernment, in taking no direct steps ing, to enter the lists of speculation towards regulating the movement, than the representative of all the had failed to discharge one of its Ewinses. He was thoroughly con- most important duties. I bad yet to versant with the principles and prac- learn that our statesmen, while avowtice of what is called in America “the edly repudiating the doctrines of grab game;" he was an adept in the Machiavelli, can act upon them so mystery by means of which fluctua- far as to encourage popular delusion tions in "fancy stocks" can be effect- in order to divert attention from poli

and in “cornering,” which is a tical schemes which otherwise might choice Transatlantic mode of rigging provoke resistance. the market, he boasted that he had Nothing is more delightful to a never found an equal. It must be man than gaining the ear of a willing remembered that the vast majority listener; and Mr Ewins finding that, of the British public who were in- like Desdemona, I did "seriously infected by the prevalent gambling cline” to his talk, proposed that we mania, knew little or nothing of the should dine together. I, nothing secrets of the Stock Exchange, but loth, assented ; and we spent a very

a were simply blind players who put pleasant evening. My companion down their stakes at random. An was in high glee, and produced a old hand like Ewins, who, though budget of excellent stories, one of possibly never a pigeon, was now a which I shall try to give as nearly most accomplished hawk, had them as possible in his own language, , entirely at his mercy; which quality, though no description can convey an however, as it does not pertain to the adequate idea of the whimsical inaccipitrine order of fowls, he was tonation and droll gestures which never known, upon any one occasion, accompanied its delivery.


ed ;


"Wall, Squire,” said Mr Ewins, almighty sharp, to be sure, consider

, “I've been over all that there country ing the scarcity of breeches' pockets; of yours, sir; and I ain't going to but there be some of the Lowlanders, deny that I found your folk pretty too, that ain't soft, I can tell you. I

I spry and sharp in their notions. guess there ain't many loafers in They've a neat way of turning the Aberdeen. A chap would require to dollar twice over in the Highlands, step out pretty smart before he could that's a fact; and the man that stays get ahead of a native of that location; long enough at Inverness, at the and they are by no means the kind gunuing season in the fall, will find of men that I would fix upon for a himself pretty much in the predica- deal. ment of a skinned 'coon. They are “But if you want to see what rael





smartness is, I guess you must go for Philadelphia Zoo. Gardens as it to the States. There's something zebra. in the air of the great Free and Inde- “Wall, Squire, two years gone by, pendent that polishes up a man like business was rather slack down by å razor, till he can aʼmost shave a in Virginny. It was one of those grizzly bear without the critter know- oneasy times when folk are timering it. It ain't edication that does some to sell, and buyers are it, and it ain't reason. It's a kinder skeary as buffaloes in a clearing. of instinct, like what naturally sends Niggers wouldn't move nohow, and a young duck into the water. The horses were at a nominal quotation. children have it before they are So Haman, who knew as well as weaned ; and there ain't a boy four most men that time was the Delayears old in Connecticut but knows ware for dollars, moves up a bit to how many hiccory nuts go to the the north, by way of spying if anybaker's dozen.

thing could be done thereabouts; for, "It's a proud thing, Squire Sinclair, thinks he, there must be a lot of sir, to be a citizen of a country like runaway niggers caved up in these that-a great, free, and glorious na. parts, and who knows, if I swear tion, where every man keeps his eye stiff enough, that I mayn't

pick up skinned, and walks with his wits a specimen for nothing? However, cocked and primed. I've heard of he soon found that two could play some sharp things that have been at that game, for there were a lot of done in this country, more especially chaps, a most if not entirely as 'cute of late years; for you Britishers are as himself, prowling about the pribeginning to take a wrinkle or two sons, and rapping out affidavits of from us free Americans—I guess from ownership to every likely nigger as the smash among your banks that thick as cadoodle bugs in a sugaryou are becoming alive to the grand barrel. Wall, when Haman saw system of unlimited credit and uni- that no good was to be done among versal speculation—but for rael genu- the New-Yorkers (for there are a ipe smartness, I calculate, as I said plaguy lot of opnatural citizens up

Ι before, that you must go for that to there that hold shares in the underthe States. Oh, it raelly makes one ground railway), he notioned that feel quite juiced-up like to think how he would take a cast over the fronsmart our people are !

tier, and try to strike trail in Canada. "The smartest chap by a long chalk I expect, however, that he was clean that ever I knew was Haman S. too well roused up to show himself Walker, who was raised down coun- in his own character, for there try in Virginny. Haman had a bit weren't many loafers in the States of a plantation, where he made show that didn't know Haman, and the of growing cotton; but that wasn't bare report that he was in the by any means the way that he grew country would have cleared that his dollars. He did a good streak of district of niggers, as fast as the business, I can tell you, in the nigger Unitarian congregation disparsed and horse line, for he was a prime when a skunk got into the chapel. judge of flesh; and once or twice So he first gets hold of a razor and every year he went through the shaves himself as clean of hair as a country, picking up bargains and terrapin (for Haman commonly wore selling again at a profit. He didn't a beard that might have broke the need to look twice at cattle to know heart of a billy-goat), then he rigs their rael value to a cent; and as for himself out from head to foot like a cleaning and currying them up for Methodist parson, with green barsale, there wasn't the like of him nacles, a white choker, a broadthroughout the whole of the con- brimmed hat, mits without ends to federation. I've known him pass off the fingers, and a genuine sanctified a sixty-year-old nigger for forty-five, umbrella, such as them critters aland get the sound price for a brute ways carry, with half the whalebone that was a regular roarer. Haman broken. Oh, he was a lovely disciple it was that painted the donkey was Haman! The very sight of him black and white, and sold it to the was enough to convert a whole biling

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