At last comes the troop, by the word of command Drawn up in our court; when the Captain cries,
Your Ladyship lifts up the sash to be seen, (For sure I had dizen'd you out like a queen) The Captain, to show he is proud of the favour, Looks up to your window, and cocks up his beaver; (His beaver is cock'd; pray, Madam, mark that, For a captain of horse never takes off his hat, Because he has never a hand that is idle,
For the right holds the sword, and the left holds the bridle)
Then flourishes thrice his sword in the air,
As a compliment due to a lady so fair:
(How I tremble to think of the blood it hath spilt!)
Then he lowers down the point, and kisses the hilt.
Your Ladyship smiles, and thus you begin;
Pray, Captain, be pleas'd to alight and walk in.
The Captain salutes you with congee profound,
And your Ladyship curtsies half-way to the ground.
'Kit, run to your master, and bid him come to us;
I'm sure he'll be proud of the honour you do us:
And, Captain, you'll do us the favour to stay,
And take a short dinner here with us to-day :
You're heartily welcome; but as for good cheer,
You come in the very worst time of the year:
If I had expected so worthy a guest--
Lord! Madam! your Ladyship sure is in jest ;
You banter me, Madam: the kingdom must grant-
You officers, captains, are so complaisant.'
'Hist, Hussy! I think I hear somebody coming-' 'No, Madam; 'tis only Sir Arthur a-humming: To shorten my tale, (for I hate a long story) The Captain at dinner appears in his glory; The Dean and the Doctor * have humbled their pride, For the Captain's entreated to sit by your side; And, because he's their betters, you carve for him first;
The parsons for envy are ready to burst:
* Doctor Jenny, a clergyman in the neighbourhood.
The servants, amaz'd, are scarce ever able
To keep off their eyes as they wait at the table;
And Molly and I have thrust in our nose
To peep at the Captain in all his fine clo'es.
Dear Madam! be sure he's a fine spoken man;
Do but hear on the clergy how glib his tongue ran:
And, Madam, (says he,) if such dinners you give,
You'll never want parsons as long as you live;
I ne'er knew a parson without a good nose,
But the devil's as welcome wherever he goes.
G-d-me, they bid us reform and repent,
But, z-s, by their looks they never keep Lent.
Mister Curate, for all your grave looks, I'm afraid
You cast a sheep's eye on her Ladyship's maid;
I wish she would lend you her pretty white hand
In mending your cassoc and smoothing your band:
(For the Dean was so shabby, and look'd like a ninny,
That the Captain suppos'd he was curate to Jenny)
Whenever you see a cassoc and gown,
A hundred to one but it covers a clown.
Observe how a parson comes into a room,
G-d-me, he hobbles as bad as my groom.
A scholard, when just from his college broke loose,
Can hardly tell how to cry Bo to a goose.
Your Noveds, and Blutarks, and Omurs*, and stuff,
By G- they don't signify this pinch of snuff.
To give a young gentleman right education,
The army's the only good school in the nation.
My schoolmaster call'd me a dunce and a fool,
But at cuffs I was always the cock of the school.
I never could take to my book for the blood o'me,
And the puppy confess'd he expected no good o'me.
He caught me one morning coquetting his wife,
But he maul'd me, I ne'er was so maul'd in my life;
So I took to the road, and, what's very odd,
The first man I robb'd was a parson, by G-.
Now, Madam, you'll think it a strange thing to say,
But the sight of a book makes me sick to this day.
* Ovids, Plutarchs, Homers. See Essay on Modern Eduration.
'Never since I was born did I hear so much wit, And, Madam, I laugh'd till I thought I should split: So then you look'd scornful, and snift at the Dean, As who should say, Now, am I Skinny and Lean*? But he durst not so much as once open his lips, And the Doctor was plaguily down in the hips.' Thus merciless Hannah ran on in her talk, Till she heard the Dean call, Will your Ladyship walk?'
Her Ladyship answers, I'm just coming down:" Then turning to Hannah, and forcing a frown, Although it was plain in her heart she was glad, Cried, Hussey! why, sure the wench is gone mad: How could these chimeras get into your brains?Come hither, and take this old gown for your pains. But the Dean, if this secret should come to his ears, Will never have done with his gibes and his jeers: For your life, not a word of the matter, I charge ye. Give me but a Barrack, a fig for the clergy.'
THE shepherds and the nymphs were seen
Pleading before the Cyprian Queen.
The counsel for the fair began,
Accusing the false creature Man :
The brief with weighty crimes was charg'd,
On which the pleader much enlarg'd;
'That Cupid now has lost his art,
Or blunts the point of every dart ;-
His altar now no longer smokes,
His mother's aid no youth invokes ;
This tempts Freethinkers to refine,
And bring in doubt their powers divine:
Now love has dwindled to intrigue,
And marriage grown a money-league.
Which crimes aforesaid (with her leave)
Were (as he humbly did conceive)
Against our sovereign lady's peace,
Against the statute in that case,
Against her dignity and crown,
Then pray'd an answer;' and sat down.
The nymphs with scorn beheld their foes,
When the defendant's counsel rose,
And, what no lawyer ever lack'd,
With impudence own'd all the fact;
But, what the gentlest heart would vex,
Laid all the fault on t'other sex.
'The modern love is no such thing,
As what those ancient poets sing,
A fire celestial, chaste, refin'd,
Conceiv'd and kindled in the mind,
Which having found an equal flame,
Unites, and both become the same,
In different breasts together burn,
Together both to ashes turn:
But women now feel no such fire,
And only know the gross desire:
Their passions move in lower spheres,
Where'er caprice or folly steers.
A dog, a parrot, or an ape,
Or some worse brute in human shape,
Engross the fancies of the fair;
The few soft moments they can spare
From visits to receive and pay,
From scandal, politics, and play,
From fans, and flounces, and brocades,
From equipage and Park-parades,
From all the thousand female toys,
From every trifle that employs
The out or inside of their heads,
Between their toilettes and their beds.
In a dull stream, which moving slow,
You hardly see the current flow,
If a small breeze obstructs the course,
It whirls about for want of force,
And in its narrow circle gathers
Nothing but chaff, and straws, and feathers:
The current of a female mind
Stops thus, and turns with every wind;
Thus whirling round, together draws
Fools, fops, and rakes, for chaff and straws:
Hence we conclude, no women's hearts
Are won by virtue, wit, and parts;
Nor are the men of sense to blame
For breasts incapable of flame;
The fault must on the nymphs be plac'd,
Grown so corrupted in their taste.'
The pleader, having spoke his best,
Had witness ready to attest,
Who fairly could on oath depose,
When questions on the fact arose,
That every article was true;
Nor further these deponents knew ;-
Therefore he humbly would insist
The bill might be with costs dismist.
The cause appear'd of so much weight,
That Venus, from her judgment-seat,
Desir'd them not to talk so loud,
Else she must interpose a cloud;
For if the heavenly folk should know
These pleadings in the courts below,
That mortals here disdain to love,
She ne'er could show her face above:
For gods, their betters, are too wise
To value that which men despise.
And then, (said she,) my son and I
Must stroll in air, 'twixt earth and sky;
Or else, shut out from heav'n and earth,
Fly to the sea, my place of birth,
There live, with daggled mermaids pent,
And keep on fish perpetual Lent.'
But since the case appear'd so nice,
She thought it best to take advice.
The Muses, by their king's permission,
Though foes to love, attend the session,
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