the "returns" constitute a great stumbling-block, and are the cause of much travail and putting together of heads.

This is the case in the -th Illinois. Perhaps no braver set of officers can be found in the service; but of some of the localities in Suckerdom represent

negligent. Now, each return is properly accompanied by a "letter of advice," addressed to the chief of ordnance at Washington, setting forth that, from a certain place, on a certain date, the required documents were forwarded by the subscribing officer.

notice in this place that the year of the Magazine is nearly coming to a close, and the present is the most favorable of all seasons to extend its circulation. In every hamlet and village and city we have friends who know its value, and the pleasure it brings into every household on its monthly visits. To make it a great national institution, carrying "instructioned by them the schoolmaster has been shamefully with delight" to hundreds of thousands of American homes, the publishers have made its terms to clubs so easy that the whole community may share in its blessings. Making money is one of the good things that most men aim at; but there is a higher good and larger pleasure which we would seek in pressing our friends to make the Magazine a guest in every family around them. One of our literary and religious newspapers, venerable for its age and principles, says that it is impossible to buy so much good reading for so little money as it costs to get Harper's Monthly Magazine; and when we intimate, as we may safely do, that what you give twenty-five cents for costs three thousand dollars and more, you will see that our pious friend is not out of the way in his figures. Turn to the last page of the cover of this number, and see the terms on which the Magazine is published and sent over the country, and you will perhaps be stimulated to make a little effort among your neighbors and friends to get them into the enjoyment that you and yours have found so pleasant in years that are past.

Twenty-six volumes of the Magazine are now bound up, and contain matter equal to two hundred duodecimo volumes. They make an elegant library, an unfailing source of entertaining and useful reading, one of the most delightful repositories of history, biography, tales, travels, poetry, sentiment, and humor, that will be as full of interest fifty years hence as now. The man who keeps the key of the Drawer advises all his readers to have the Magazine from the beginning, and he is sure they will take it to the end.

ONE of our Vermont friends, in writing to the Drawer, relates an incident of a serio-comic character that must have a place in our pages:

In, Vermont, there lives an old lady of great religious excitability, and it may be that her "intellex" are a little sprung. She had listened to a sermon on the service of God and Mammon, and got the thing a good deal mixed up; but with a very strong impression that Mammon was the god of this world, and therefore to be served while she was here. As soon as the sermon was ended she rose from her seat, and in a clear, shrill voice, that rang through the house, she said,

"Brethren and sisters, I have often followed after the Evil One, but from this time onward I mean to serve that good old Mammon as long as I live!"

ONE of our army correspondents writes: Among the other arduous duties that devolve upon the "shoulder-strapped" gentry, and of which a majority of the good people at home know nothing, is that of making out quarterly returns of ordnance and ordnance stores, accounting for every rifle, cartridgebox, belt, sling, pouch, etc., that may have been received during the quarter by the commandant of a company, or other officer responsible for the safekeeping of the same. These returns are, to new beginners, complex and difficult; and in the old regiments, where many commissions are held by men who have fought their way up from the ranks, they not having enjoyed great educational advantages,

Theth Illinois was originally armed with the Harper's Ferry and Springfield muskets, altered from flint-lock to percussion. At first the boys were dissatisfied; they would have preferred a more "fancy arm;" but after having participated in two or three engagements, their old smooth-bores doing them good service, they became attached to their guns, and cared no longer to trade them off.

It so happened that at the end of the second quarter of 1863 Jerry B, who had been promoted from the position of Corporal to that of SecondLieutenant of Company -, for good and soldierly conduct, found himself in command of the Company, and thus it became necessary that he should make out the quarterly returns. Now Jerry, faithful and brave, had not acquired much book learning, neither did he possess much business experience; however, after long cogitation, and no little erasing and blotting, the returns were finished, ready for the mail, with the single exception of the "letter of advice." Here was a stickler! In what could he advise the august head of the Ordnance Bureau? It must be as to something connected with ordnance. Yes, certainly! Suddenly a bright thought illuminated Jerry's brain. He remembered Fredericktown, Donelson, and Shiloh; the evidences of the effectiveness of our smooth-bores rose before his happy vision, and he forthwith indited an epistle to General Rat Washington, advising him to allow "nothing but Harper's Ferry or Springfield muskets to be used in the army!" Poor Jerry! Enfield rifles are now in the hands of our men, and the glory of "smoothbores" has departed.

FROM Boston we have a letter mentioning the following incident:

A few years ago, when the "Norfolk House" was in full operation, kept by our friend Rist, now in Elliot Street, among his boarders was one French, an old gentleman known and beloved by every one. He was an original character. Any one getting much ahead of him had to be an early riser. One evening, just after an arrival of a steamer from old England, the sitting-room being well filled with the good people of this village, a young gent entered, and by his pompous airs soon attracted the attention of all present, among the rest our venerated friend, who made the inquiry of the stranger, "if he was a native of Boston ?"

"Oh no," was the reply; "I have just arrived from Hingland: thought I would just come over for a few weeks; but expect to be very lonesome."

Conversation ensued between the two, and our foreign friend soon informed the company that he had just received the title of F.R.S.

"What does that stand for?" inquired French. "Can it be possible that you are so ignorant in America as not to know?" answered John.

the "

"I will enlighten you then," said Mr. Bull. "It band, which he was not inclined to do. She got designates a Fellow of the Royal Society."" "Thought so, thought so," repeated French. "Here it stands for a 'Fellow of Remarkable Stupidity!""

"I'LL tell you," writes a war correspondent in Indiana to the Drawer, "how Wash Lichtiter was converted from Secesh into a warm Union man. Wash had been flogged once or twice for cheering for Jeff Davis, but he stuck to his principles. One day Morgan and his band of thieves came along, and Wash gave them a cordial welcome. He brought out all the liquor he had and treated them well; told them how he loved the South, and hoped that the Yankees would be whipped out. The banditti then asked him for money. He begged off, but Morgan said, 'Come, old Butternut, shell out; we want all the spondulics you've got!'

pass," however, and commenced packing her things preparatory to leaving About this time the news of the fall of Vicksburg came, and a horse, a very great favorite in the family, was taken violently sick and his life despaired of. I was sitting one afternoon in the parlor, having a social chat with the daughters, when the mother came in looking extremely dejected.

"Ma," asked the youngest daughter, "what is the matter?"

"Oh dear, my daughter," she replied, at the same time straightening herself up in her chair in a peculiar manner, which would have done honor to Mrs. Partington, "Vicksburg has fallen, Bell is going down South, the horse is going to die, and the dear only knows what will come upon us next!"

"Wash had to fork over, but was so slow about now on the "sacred soil," we have the following it that the rascals pitched in and gave him a thrash-explanation of the origin of the name of a welling, and then carried off every thing he had. Wash has gone in for a vigorous prosecution of the war' ever since, and is mighty glad that Morgan has gone to State prison, where all such fellows belong."

A BOSTON Correspondent tells us of a home-sick soldier on the Potomac. A Lieutenant found him solitary and alone, weeping like a big booby boy. "What's the matter?"

"Oh, I wish I was in my father's barn." "And what would you do there?"

"I would go into the house plaguy quick!" said the poor fellow, boo-hooing again at the rate of 2.40 a minute.

A ST. Louis correspondent says: Have you room in the Poultry Department for the following transcript of an epitaph?

"Here lies the remains of Thomas Woodhen-the most amiable of husbonds, the most excellent of men.

known road in Maryland. Our correspondent writes: Over in Prince George's County, Maryland, there is a private road leading from St. Barnabas's Church to the house of the Hon. James L. Addison. Many years ago a gay party of ladies and gentlemen were passing over this road on horseback, which, like all other roads in that part of "My Maryland," has a good deal of the up-hill and down-hill to it, with an occasional stone. The horse of one of the ladies, stepping on one of the stones, accidentally stumbled, when one of the gentlemen, wishing to show his progress in French, remarked in a loud tone to the lady, intending the whole party to hear, that her horse came near throwing her by his "fox pass" (faux pas). Ever since then this road has been known by the name of "Fox Pass."

A FRIEND in Memphis, Tennessee, revives his recollections of the Mackinaw country, and sends a story illustrating the way in which justice is admin"N.B. The name is Woodcok, but it would not come in istered in that latitude. A man named Webber, ryme."

hearing that a friend of his was in trouble, sent for him to see if he could help him out, and found that A WAG by the name of Tinker, in the class of he had been prosecuted by a neighbor. The only 1855 in College, will be remembered by his witness against him was an Indian claiming to be a classmates not only for his neglect of the mathe-half-breed, Indians not being allowed to testify in matics, but for his ready wit and power of quick repartee. In attempting to recite Prop. 5, Book I., of Euclid, called "Ass' Bridge," he stumbled. At a class meeting held soon after, when speeches were in order, a classmate, thinking to rally him on his failure, called out, "Tinker on the Pons asinorum!" Tinker replied at once, "I beg to be excused from occupying the gentleman's platform!"

the courts of Michigan. "We must try strategy upon that chap," said Webber. "You get a jug of whisky, and we'll go over and see what can be done." Very soon after reaching the place where the court was to be held Webber called the justice out for a little friendly talk, and to drink his health, which they did several times. The Court getting so "she understood herself pretty well," the suit was called, and the witness put upon the stand. Webber, apAn officer of the Sixteenth United States infantry pearing for the defense, made objection on the sends the following:

grounds of his being an Indian, and proceeded to question him as follows:

WEBBER. "What was your grandfather and mother on your father's side ?"

WITNESS. "My grandfader she half-breed; my grandmoder he squaw."

WEBBER. "That would make your father three

DEAR DRAWER,-Did you ever hear of the town of Galena, Illinois, justly celebrated for its leadmines and pretty ladies? In this town resides a very interesting family, the father a native of New England, the mother of Tennessee. The daughters, grown to womanhood, are accomplished and lovely. The eldest daughter, Bell, married last fall a chap-quarters Indian, won't it? Will the Court please lain in a rebel Tennessee regiment, who, when the to put that down? And your mother's father, what rebels evacuated Murfreesboro, went with his regi- was he?" ment, leaving his wife to return home. The father is a loyal man, but the rest of the family are badly "secesh." The married daughter, during the spring and summer, was continually teasing her father to get her a "military pass," to go South to her hus

WITNESS. "She full-blood Frenchman."
WEBBER. 66
And your mother's mother, what was

she?"

WITNESS. "He full-blooded squaw."

WEBBER. "Well, that makes your mother a half

breed. Will the Court be so good as to put that down, and add it up, and see how much it makes ?" "Five quarters," roared the judge. "Get out of this house! No five-quarter Indian can testify in court. I give judgment against the plaintiff for cost, and fine him five dollars for insulting this court by bringing that witness here to testify!"

and amazement, which Richard and Robin saw and marveled thereat. The seedy man tried to explain to the liquor man, but in vain. It took his last dime to pay the shot.

Two young ladies in Ridgefield, Fairfield County, Connecticut, send the following inscriptions from tombstones in the old burial-ground of that beauti

A SOLDIER in the Massachusetts infantry, writing ful town: to the Drawer, says:

The following took place in my presence. The dramatis persone are two Irishmen: one a robust, hardy fellow, who might have been indulging in a "dhrop" previous, and who was boasting that he never ran in a fight yet, and who was very severe on those who practiced it; the other a younger, though strongly-built, black-eyed, good-looking fellow, evidently bent on quizzing his comrade, and trying to convince him that he is a great coward, notwithstanding his assertions to the contrary.

YOUNG IRISHMAN. "Well, now, it's no use talkin' any more about it; we all know you're a coward, for what made you run at the Seven Days' Fight? -ah, now!"

OLD IRISHMAN. "It's a lie! Who iver said I ran? I've niver seen the day yit!"

Y. I. "Oh, bosh, now! we know all about it. The inemy was at yer back and you run, you coward ye, so ve did.”

O. I. "It's a lie! and ye can't prove it! I always stood me ground. Here's a man that niver yit-"

Y. I. "Oh yis, I can prove it t'ye too. Ye all run like dors, an' you know it, for—” O. I. " Will, wait thin, an' I'll tell ye how it was, jist. You see, Jackson's corps came down upon us -we were outnumbered, we were-Jackson come thin-we were in Corcoran's Irish brigade, ye see, and my regiment was the Sixty-first Ohio-the gallant Sixty-first-and the Sixty-eighth-the Sixtyeighth-"

Y. I. "New York?"

O. I. "Yis, the Sixty-eighth New York-that was the one-it broke-"

Y. I. "Oh! ye lie, now! 'twas the one that saved the whole of ye. You all broke an' run save that." O. I. "It's not so! it's not so! Aisy, an' I'll tell you. The Sixty-eighth New York broke in the middle-yis, Sir, it broke in the middle-an' thin the cav'lry rushed in and flanked us—the cav'lry flanked us-and we were surrounded—”

Y. I. "Yis, and thin ye run! ye run! ye r-r-run!" O. I. (turning very red, and in a rage). "Thin fwhat could we do but that!"

RICHARD and Robin were two pretty men who were caught in Bridgeport one night, and obliged to spend three hours before the departure of the boat. This led them to seek solace in a game of billiards. Ignorant of localities, they pressed a seedy-looking chap into service, and requested him to show the way. He tried to, but after walking half an hour he declared his inability (opposite the door of a barroom) to find the place.

Richard took the hint, and said, "Have a drink ?" and all went in. Standing in a martial attitude, the seedy chap tossed off three fingers." Richard and Robin took a mild glass of cider, and turning on their heels marched off, saying to the seedy man, "We are very much obliged to you." The face of the seedy man and that of the bar-keeper was a study; each eyed the other with stupefied wonder

"To her whose memory we record,

All words are wrote in vain;
But to the living it affords

Her age, and death, and where she's lain."

"Remember this as you walk round,
All must return unto the ground;
For by transgression in the garden
Adam did receive his warning;
And as God's word does prove true,
I have returned, and so must you."

"Death, the great conqueror, has took my friend away,
Rest here, until the great judgment-day;
No dropping tear or pardner's aching heart
Can secure from death's most cruel dart."

A TRUE soldier writes to the Drawer from the fallen city of Vicksburg, and says:

During the siege of this place Logan's division erected in front of, and near to, the principal rebel fort a wooden tower for riflemen, which overlooked part of the enemy's works. One day the Forty-fifth Illinois were on duty as sharp-shooters there, when a man came into the tower whose common dress and appearance led us to take him for one of your correspondents, or some private citizen on his travels. He made his way to the top of the tower, and began to look over and survey the enemy's works, to the no slight exposure of his own person. One of the riflemen occupying this post called out, in rough and commanding tones, "Get down off there! don't you know any thing? You have no business here any way, and you'll get popped over in a minute, as sure as a gun!"

The stranger finished his survey and very leisurely retired from his post of observation. Hardly had he gone when a fellow-soldier asked the other, Do you know who that was?"

No, nor I don't care; some newspaper man, probably."

"Not by a long shot," replied the other; "that's General Grant."

"General Grant !" cried the rifleman; and springing up he rushed out and overtook the General, and humbly said, "I beg your pardon for speaking so; I thought it was a stranger who did not know the danger."

"All right!" said the General, taking out his tobacco-box, and handing it to the soldier, asked him, "Do you chew?"

"Sometimes." And taking a soldier's "cud" he returned to his duty.

The story soon got wind, and as it spread through the army it kindled new enthusiasm for the hero who had already the heart of every one who knew his affability and his pluck.

A FRIEND in the army tells a story to this effect: Quarter-masters in the army have a habit that, whenever the men surreptitiously "confiscate" a pig or a lamb, they seize on it and make use thereof at head-quarters. The boys of the -th Indiana, in a recent case, were too fast for their Quarter-master. It happened on this wise: While out on picket they

A few days since there came into an apothecary-good address, and a valuable man; yet you will get shop in our suburbs a Hibernian of the female drunk. Now I shall tell you, once for all, that—” "persuasion," leading by the hand her heir-pre- Here Billy's eyes sparkled, and he interrupted his sumptive-an ill-looking boy of about twelve years superior with, of age and approaching the proprietor, addressed him in this wise:

SAYS one of our Western readers and friends: We were blessed with a merchant in our business town possessing the euphonious name of Hogg, "So, Sir, you have been drunk again, and I have whose habits were consistent with his name. By