ing, in a decidedly happy state, and informed the go down there to hire out as de cook. Massa he ask crowd of by-standers on the wharf that he had lost me I know how to cook? I say yes-I cook in every his gun overboard while out in the bay. The gun style. I bile 'em, I fry 'em, I roast 'em, I stew 'em was a very fine double-barreled one. Many expres--in fact, I know all about de cook. Well, massa sions of sympathy were offered him, of course, by his friends, whom he effectually silenced by saying, with the greatest gravity and an air of self-gratulation, "Oh, gentlemen, the gun's not lost. I had the presence of mind to cut a notch in the gunwale of the boat just where the gun fell overboard," and pointing proudly to a large, bright notch which, sure enough, was there, he added: "Now get us some grappling-irons and a rope, and we'll go out and get it!" It is needless to say that that crowd laughed some, and that young T- never heard the last of his notch and presence of mind. THIS is very good, and very like Pat: In one of the hospitals in the vicinity of Washington a newly-arrived patient, by the name of Pat, a veritable son of the Emerald Isle, complained of being quite deaf. The next morning after his arrival the physician, while going his regular rounds prescribing for the different patients in his ward, approached Pat, who was at the time whistling a tune called the "Irish Washer-woman." The Doctor accosted Pat with, "What is the matter with you?" but Pat didn't seem to hear, and continued whistling. The Doctor, a little bewildered at Pat's impudence, exclaimed, rather sharply, "How long have you been in hospital?" Pat said nothing, but made more music than ever. The Doctor by this time began to "smell a mice," and screamed out at the top of his voice, "Where did you come from?-what hospital were you in before you came here?"-but it had not the least impression on Pat, who still continued to whistle. The Doctor, after reading Pat's name on his card at the head of his bed, asked, "Pat, don't you want to go home on a furlough ?" he hire me. So one day massa he come down in the "But, Cuffee, you don't say you ate all that mess, do you?" "Oh no, Sambo; you see I postpone that!" Down in Woburn, in the Old Bay State, we have a friend who relishes the Drawer, and writes to us in this wise or otherwise: Mr. EDITOR,-In reading the Drawer in the April Pat's eyes glistened for a moment, when he ex- number I was reminded of an incident that occurred claimed, "Yes, that's what's the matter!" to me some years ago, by your anecdote of the Scotch About a week after Pat received a thirty-day fur- | Statistical Society's inquiries concerning “Marriages lough. STEVE WILSON was the most self-important young man in neighborhood. Though recommending others to volunteer, he could not be prevailed upon to enlist untir fear of the draft drove him to it. It runs in the Winson family to be dark-skinned, and Steve is decidedly the nearest to black of all. I received a letter from & little girl of fourteen which thus mentions Steve: "Steve Wilson wrote huire that he was not going to fight by the side of a nigger. I don't know why it is, unless he is afraid if he gets mixed up with them he won't be known!" WE are obliged to postpone several well-seasoned dishes to make room for this from a correspondent of the Drawer: Your readers may not all of them have heard the "Goose" story, as told by the "Minstrels" at their getting to be quite fashionable soirees. Two of the colored gemmen take their places at the front of the stage, and commence a dialogue. "Sambo, did I ever tell you about my leaving my last massa ?" "No, Cuffee; how was it?" contracted between May and December." It was my fortune (or misfortune) at one time to be employed by a well-known Scotch firm of Boston in the dry-goods line. Nearly all of the employés of the concern were Scotchmen also, and could see a dollar casier than the point of a joke. It was a custom there for the employers and employés to unite during the winter and have a sleigh ride. One of these occurring during my connection with them, I made one of the party. After a pleasant ride of about ten miles, we drew up at the L House for a supper. With appetites sharpened by the frosty air we did justice to the ample and excellent supply of viands set before us; and then, to my dismay, I learned that each one was expected to give a speech, toast, or song. I was in a dilemma; for I had never made a speech, could not think of an appropriate toast, and was not a singer. Finally, after listening to several of my companions' remarks, which were chiefly in praise of our employers, and claiming much pent-up feeling that they could not find words to express, the thought struck me that I might escape by a few words of a joking nature. So when called upon I arose, and, assuming the manner of those who had preceded me, said that I felt my inability to make a speech, but that I also had my "Why, you see, massa would not keep me any feelings (placing my hand in the approved theatrical longer." manner upon my heart, and then allowing it to fall "Why would he not keep you, Cuffee?" so as to indicate that good cheer rather than emotion "Oh, you see, Sambo, about two months ago I caused them). Here a burst of laughter that shook the building satisfied me that I had made a hit, and I sat down. Judge of my disgust when I found that, to a man, they supposed I was pleading a pain in my stomach as an excuse for not making a speech! A GENTLEMAN of means, and an enthusiastic sportsman, having purchased a country residence, began (to the astonishment of his neighbors) to devote his time to his gun and hounds, instead of the culture of his land. After a time an old farmer took a favorable opportunity to make some remarks upon his course, that was, in his view, not only profitless but devoid of interest. "If you will for one day go with me," says the sportsman, "I think I can convince you that it is intensely interesting and exciting." The farmer consented to do so; and the next morn, before daybreak, they wended their way to the hunting-ground. The dogs soon took the scent of a fox and were off, and our two worthies followed, through woods and meadows and over hills, for two or three hours. At last the sportsman hears the dogs driving the game in their direction; and soon the pack, in full cry, comes over a hill that had previously shut out the sound. "There! my friend," says the sportsman, "there! did you ever hear such heavenly music as that?" The farmer stopped in an attitude of intense listening for some moments, and then says, "Wa'al, the fact is, those confounded dogs make such a noise I can't hear the music!" Effort to convert him was immediately abandoned. A READER in Nashville writes: We have the kindest-hearted man in our town in the world probably, named Squire Paul. The Squire is a rich man, has tenants, sells property, and has many debts owing to him. His agent sued a man for a debt, and according to law the debt must be paid when judgment was rendered, or "stayed" by some good man becoming security for the payment of the debt, interest, and costs at the end of eight months. The "poor party" applied to Squire Paul to stay a debt for him, and, according to custom, the Squire could not say no, but complied; and thus, much to the agent's disgust, became the stayer of his own debt! FROM Fort Pillow, Tennessee, a correspondent in the Sixteenth Army Corps sends the Drawer the following: Two years ago (writes a correspondent), at the spring term of the District Court at Topeka, Kansas, Judge Rush Elmore presiding, a witness was called upon the stand. After being sworn the counsel for the defense said to the witness—a tall, green specimen, and somewhat embarrassed— "Now, Sir, stand up and tell your story like a preacher." "No, Sir!" roared the Judge; "none of that; I want you to tell the truth!” Just imagine the sheriff, deputies, and bailiffs trying to keep "order" and "silence." AN amusing thing occurred in the Twenty-fourth Ohio. A few days since a soldier, in passing to the lower part of the encampment, saw two others from his company making a rude coffin. He inquired who it was for. "John Bunce," said the others. "Why," replied he, "John is not dead yet. It is too bad to make a man's coffin when you don't know if he is going to die or not." "Don't trouble yourself," replied the others. "Dr. Coe told us to make his coffin, and I guess he knows what he give him." PASSING along one of our thoroughfares a few days since we met a poor soldier, who had lost one of his limbs in battle, slowly walking on his crutches. A friend meeting him, cried, "I say, Jim, how is it that you went away with two legs and came back with three ?" “Oh, bedad, I made fifty per cent. on it!" was the reply. HAVING occasion to go to the little town of Newburyport, one Sabbath afternoon I strolled into the grave-yard, where I saw the following inscription. I have copied it literally, capitals and all: OMNEM CREDE DICUM TIBI DILUXESSE SUPREMUM. her friends (and the throbbing hearts of her disconsolate family confessed their fairest prospects of sublinary bliss were in one moment dashed) by swallowing a Pea at her own table, whence in a few hours, she sweetly breathed her Soul away into her SAVIOURS, arms on the 8 day of March A.D. 1780. Etatis 47. In looking over an old number of Harper I came Sacred to the Memory of Mrs. Mary M'Hard, the viracross an anecdote of the late Judge M'Farland, tuous and amiable Consort of Capt. Wm. M'Hard of New Circuit Judge for some years in the Northwestern buryport, who amidst the laudable exertions of a very District of Iowa. The Judge was the "Hairy man useful and desirable Life, in which her Christian Profesof the West," who figured somewhat prominently in sion was well adorned and a fair copy of every social virthe Cincinnati Convention. One Woods, of Bur- tue displayed, was in a state of health suddenly summonlington, was a regular practitioner in Judge M'Far-ed to the Skies and snatched from ye eager embraces of land courts, and was familiarly known as "Old Timber." On one occasion a court was held at the capital of Marshall County. The edifice used on this occasion was a log building, on one side of which was a large window. It happened that a resident of the town owned a jackass, which the mischievous boys had taught to bray whenever they pleased. "Old Timber" was one day "summing up" an important case in his grandest style-which he imag-read. ined resembled that of Tom Marshall-and when rounding up one of his finest periods the "Madagascar rabbit" protruded his uncouth head through the open window and into the room, a few feet in advance of the speaker, at the same time braying most vociferously. The Court immediately sung This mournful stone as a faithful monument of virtue fled to realms The rest was hid in the earth, so it could not be THE eccentric Judge Natal has lately died, leaving as many personal friends to regret his loss as any man probably ever did. As a Judge he was singularly out of place; but in private life he was so goodhearted and exemplary that his most determined opponents could not help but love him. We send to the Drawer two anecdotes-the one illustrative of that tenderness of feeling which so often led him to violate the laws in favor of any one who had enlisted his sympathy; and the other of his quaint shrewdness in the solution of difficult cases: A boy of fourteen or fifteen had been indicted for passing counterfeit money. He was in all likelihood guilty; but his appearance and manner were very prepossessing, and at once won the Judge's warmest sympathy. The latter set on foot a subscription among the lawyers and officers of the court, and then calling the prisoner before him, addressed him as follows: "Now, my son, you say that your father lives in Ohio?" "Yes, Sir." Well, if I let you go home, will you promise me to come back next spring and stand your trial?" "Yes, Sir." "Very well. Mr. Jones has got some money for you; and you must be sure and come back next term and be sent to the Penitentiary, like a good boy!" 66 It need not be said that the young rogue went, but did not come up to time as he had promised. ON another occasion a case was being heard in which a wife was suing for divorce on the ground of ill-treatment. The only fact clearly made out was that both parties were equally bad, leaving it extremely doubtful which had inflicted the greatest amount of ill-treatment on the other. His Honor was sorely puzzled, for he always liked to decide for the ladies. But this seemed rather too hard a case; and he was sitting in deep abstraction, pondering the doubtful issue, while the last deposition was being read. Suddenly he started, his face clearing up, and exclaimed, "How is that, Sir? What was that last statement you read? Does the witness say that he dragged his wife out of the house by the heels?" "Yes, Sir; that is the statement.' "Then I grant the divorce; but [half soliloquizing] if he had dragged her out by the head it would have been a different matter: I would not have divorced them." This at first seems a mere whim, but there is good sense at the bottom of it; for it takes more brutality to drag a woman by the heels than by the head. A FRIEND in Mound City, Kansas, writes: Your "Yuba Dam" and "Watt, Sir," reminds me of a similar play upon words. A man by the name of Ammidown had on one occasion imbibed too freely, and before he was aware he was gracefully reclining in the gutter, although not altogether insensible to what was going on around him. A stranger in pursuit of knowledge under difficulties passing along, and seeing our friend in this condition, accosted him thus: "What is your name, Sir?" "Ammidown." "Yes, you are down; but what is your name?" "Ammidown." "I see you are down; but what is your name?" Once more receiving the same answer to his inquiry, he left him, thinking, no doubt, that he was either a fool or drunk! HERE is an epitaph which I do not remember seeing in print, of one "Mathew Tolup," a stonemason, who on commencing life was very poor, but by prudence, industry, and economy managed to get money enough together to purchase a piece of ground rich in stone. In due time he built him a nice house from the material which was abundant on his premises. As old age crept upon him he thought of where his body should rest; and in the rear of his house he built a vault, and caused a statue of himself to be placed upon it, with one hand pointing to the house. The inscription read thus: "Here lies Mathew Tolup, Who made you stones role up; And when God took his Sole up' His body filed the hole up." ONE of our most distinguished Doctors of Divinity sends the following genuine clerical anecdote to the Drawer: When the late Rev. Dr. John M. Mason was at the head of the Theological Seminary of the Associate Reformed Church it was his custom annually to give a dinner to the students. On one occasion the company filled two tables, at one of which Dr. Mason presided, and at the other Dr. Mathews, Associate Professor, whose seat was at the opposite end of the dining-room. Dr. Mason, after the cloth was removed, proposed, as a toast, “Our absent friends." One of the students, who was seated near the Doctor, added, in a pretty loud whisper, "Sweet-hearts and all." Dr. Mason, overhearing him, turned toward him and said, pleasantly, in a tone that was heard all over the room, "Those are contraband articles in this seminary." Just at the moment a discussion was going on at the head of the other table, on the use of wine, and Dr. Mathews, who was participating in it, supposing that Dr. Mason's remark referred to that subject, rejoined, "Well, it may be contraband here, but it was not so in Paul's seminary." "Ah!" said Dr. Mason, "how do you prove that?" "Why," said Dr. Mathews, "did not Paul enjoin his pupil Timothy to 'take a little for his stomach's sake and his often infirmities?'" "Pretty well indeed!" replied Dr. Mason. "Is that the doctrine you teach your pupils, Brother Mathews to take a little sweet-heart for your stomach's sake, etc. ?" The explosion of laughter that followed may be imagined. WHILE the Army of the Potomac was making its way into Virginia a party of soldiers, hungry and fierce, had just reached a rail fence, tied their horses, and pitched their officer's tent, when four pigs incautiously approached the camp. The men, on noticing them, immediately decided on their capture. They stationed two parties, one at each end of a V in the fence, with rails to complete the other two sides of a square; two men were then sent to scatter corn before the pigs and lead them along inside the V, when the square was finished and the pigs penned. A cavalry officer, whose men had attempted their destruction with their sabres, came up and said to me, "Ah! the pen is still mightier than the sword!" DEAR DRAWER,-Your story of the "practitioner of medicine in his feeble and humble manner," reminds me of an instance in the military carcer of Brigadier-General Dumont while in Western Virginia. The General is famed for his peculiarities, not the least of which is his squeaky, cracked voice, which it would be very hard to imitate. One day, while in command of his regiment, before being promoted, an officer of the regiment ventured to suggest something which he thought would greatly add to the discipline and efficiency of the regiment. The General listened to his suggestions very atten tively, but at the close answered him, in that peculiar tone of his, as follows: "I just give you to understand that I command this regiment in my own feeble way." AWAY from Central City, Colorado Territory, comes this pleasant missive to the Drawer: What a blessed thing it is to be able to make people smile! How doubly blessed are those who have the happy faculty of scattering smiles over this great continent in such a sad time as this! The wild glens and valleys of the Rocky Mountains are not forgotten by you in your monthly distribution. Many a lonely cabin is made to ring cheerily by your irresistible presence, and many a sad exile's heart is made to forget the disappointments and trials past while laughing with you. Colorado would make a return were there a pen capable of making a report of our "good things" as they "turn up." Indulge me while I, who never made such a venture before, attempt to record one or two: The California Second is now stationed at Fort Lyon, awaiting orders for the States-or America, as the boys say. The officer in command of the fort has an exquisite daughter, who occasionally attends her father at review. She has a peculiar pronunciation, which was more common in peaceful times. Wishing to see the boys perform the double-quick, she says, "Pa, please make them twot." Accordingly the old gentleman made the boys twot for the benefit of the fair one-and they twotted! They arrest folks here for hurrahing for Jeff Davis sometimes. An Irishman who had enough "mountain dew" on board to make him noisy, was perambulating the streets the other day, and asserting his independence of all the Governments in the world, exclaimed, "It's meself that's a rebel!"-(just then he espied an officer a few yards from him, and he finished the sentence)-"from the South-of Ireland, be jabbers!" A teacher of one of the public schools of this place told the boys not to go near the recruiting-office. A few days afterward the office was vacated, and the boys thought they might then venture upon the forbidden ground. They were called to account for it, however; when one of the delinquents, a chap of about five, made his defense as follows: "Well, thur, the crooters wus all gond away, and we thought you wouldn't care.' by the plaintiff or defendant upon retaining their lawyer was, "Well, what is it necessary for me to prove?" One of the neighbors, Sol S-, missing an axe one morning, and not being able to find the same after diligent search, remarked to his hired man that he believed Old Wheaton had stolen it. As might have been expected Wheaton soon heard of the charge, and as Sol S was not the man to "chaw his words" (using an expression of his own), a "firstclass" suit was at once commenced for defamation of character. The time of trial arriving, able counsel appeared for prosecution and defense, and the court-house was filled with the friends of both parties, each “looking daggers" at the other; and those of the former remarking to the latter, "We'll see if there is any justice in the law." We give the testimony of but one witness, Ben Beebe, the last for the defense, and with which the evidence was closed: COUNSEL. "What is your name?" WITNESS. "Bees." COUNSEL. "This is no time for pleasantry or evaWhat is your name?" sion. WITNESS." You know as well as I do. Ben Beebe, at home or abroad" (putting his hands in his pockets, and ejecting tobacco juice from between his front teeth). COUNSEL. "Well, witness, are you acquainted with Mr. Wheaton ?" WITNESS. "What! old Joe there? [pointing, and, after some little hesitation] know him? should think so!" I COUNSEL. "Well, what is Mr. Wheaton's general character in the neighborhood where he resides?" WITNESS. "I'd rather not testify to that question, Squire. I'm not the man to speak agin my neighbor." COUNSEL. "Please answer, witness. What is Mr. Wheaton's general character; and do you think he would steal an axe?" WITNESS. "If I must, I must. As to general character, I think the least said about that the best; and as to stealing an axe, that's a leading question." COURT. "Answer the question, witness." WITNESS. "Well, Squire, don't know that I can swear the old man would steal Sol's axe; but I'll tell you what I can swear to, Squire: when Old Joe wants an ace he is bound to have it!" ANOTHER incident of the same locality may not be out of place in the Drawer: We have a defunct Mutual Insurance Company, still drawing its slimy length along, and the dread of many who gave their premium notes to the same in its days of prosperity. One of its former secretaries was a popular stump speaker. During the campaign of 1844, while addressing a large audience Nor many miles from the county town of "Old Genesee," New York, and upon one of the roads leading to and not far from the beautiful and somewhat celebrated village of that locality, there lived in the early settlement of the Holland Purchaseneighbors most uncongenial, and among whom were several constant applicants to the courts for a satis--and among the number was Newt S, a most factory settlement of difficulties and the redress of grievances. The offenses thus frequently committed consisted in letting down fences for the depredation of cattle and swine in neighboring grain-fields; throwing cats, geese, little pigs, and such like, into neighboring wells; shooting neighbors' hens; but more generally--and what was regarded as most desirable by prosecutors-assumed the form of libel suits; damages usually "laid" at one thousand dollars. The frequency of these suits very naturally caused the formation of "two sides" in the neighborhoodeach charging that the other would swear the bark off of a tree; and the first question generally asked worthy man and clever wag-the speaker coming to the question of a protective tariff, and while annihilating its opponents, was interrupted by Newt S. with the remark that, if not objectionable, he would like to propound an interrogatory. "Most certainly not," the speaker replied; "it will afford me pleasure to answer, my good friend.” "Well, Squire, will you please to inform me the difference between a high, a very high Protective Tariff and the Genesee Mutual?" In this locality the question and its effect will be long remembered. AN accomplished practitioner of law in Jackson ville, Illinois, having occasion to file in the Circuit Court a legal paper in behalf of himself and partner, affixed to the firm signature the Latin term "per se"-thus: "Doe & Stokes, per se." His partner suggested that the term meant "by himself;" and that, as it was in the singular number, it was not appropriate to accompany a firm signature. Not at all at a loss for the correct term, he changed the signature, and the records there show a paper signed, "Doe & Stokes, per 2 c's!" THAT is no worse than the Mayor of one of our cities, who, on the first day of his being in office, was asked by the clerk to sign his initials (which were P. P.) to a document. "My vernitials," said he; "what is them?" The Clerk replied, "Only write two P's." We all well the Allegany Indians except one, C. W. brother Jo Parker. I tell you I want you to write to me, LITTLE NANNIE, four years old, made her appearance in the breakfast-room one morning unwashed and unkempt, and no arguments could induce her to complete her toilet. Her mother expatiated on the enormity of such conduct, and forbade her coming to the table; but I gravely remarked that it wasn't of any consequence about Nannie's being clean. "Kittens and nice little girls washed their faces, but pigs He took the pen and wrote, "Too peze," and it is never did. It was just as well." Nannie listened on record to this day. "with meek, attentive face," but with eyes that did not express perfect complacency, to this porcine suggestion; took the plate which her mother handed her, carried it to a corner, placed it on a chair, and breakfasted in the most expeditious manner. Then, catching up her sun-bonnet, she hurried to the outside door, remarking, as she reached it, "Now I guess I'll go out and root a little while!" "KITTIE" possessed in great perfection that power common to genius and childhood-the power of generalization. IF any one doubts that the highest honor and integrity reside in the bosom of a Dutch baker, the following adventure of Mr. Kloptenfussen will be a very useful study. A neighboring family recently sent to Mr. K.'s bakehouse a rabbit smothered in onions, to be cooked for the Sunday's dinner; but while this mess stood on a low shelf, awaiting its turn in the oven, Mrs. Kloptenfussen's tom-cat (whose inherent knavishness of disposition no virtuous examples could counteract) slipped in and devoured the rabbit entirely. To remedy such a loss, or to punish such a crime, would have seemed difficult to most people; but Mr. Kloptenfussen accomplished both objects at once, and in the most complete and admirable manner. Though the cat was a great favorite in the family, and of much use as a ratter, his Roman-like master put him to death, skinned and properly prepared him, and substituted On one occasion, being somewhat loudly and him for the rabbit in such a satisfactory manner that harshly reproved by her father for an unusually the people to whom the dinner belonged ate it with startling piece of mischief, she ran sobbing to her great relish, not suspecting that any change had mother, who was in another room in blissful ignobeen made in the ingredients. Here was an unpar-rance of all that had happened, and who tenderly alleled triumph of equity!-the robber being made to take the place of the stolen article, and full reparation being made to the party robbed, without any of those vexatious delays which usually attend the administration of justice. 66 ELLICOTTVILLE, NEW YORK, April 14, 1863. EDITOR DRAWER,-The letter of which I send you below a 'true copy," names and date of course excepted, came lately into my possession. It is so decidedly Indian in thought and diction that we consider it too good to be lost in obscurity-too good for any thing, in brief, but Harper's Drawer. The "Juvenalia" following are also at the service of that admirable institution-a strictly charitable institution in these days, when mirth and cause for mirth are sorely needed: AN ORIGINAL ABORIGINAL LETTER. HEAD-QUARTERS, 1-2D REGIMENT, N. Y. S. V., MY DEAR SIR-I am inform you this time to let you know that I am all right, and I hope it this letter will find you the same. My dear Sir, I want to know why you don't answer my letters. I want you to tell me what that for. I being fight to Bl-kw-r River last week. We had pretty good fight, and I hope we take another good fight before this month up. I'll fight the rebles as long as I live in God world--that me-my name Jo Parker-ha, ha, ha, ha!-if thent so then I make it so-ha, ha, ha, ha! Me and John Tongo we can't fight good; we can't shoot the rebles any time-we not afraid the emey. In her three years' experience of life she had seen nothing more formidable than a large dog, whose barking filled her timid soul with terror; and when for the first time she listened observingly to a heavy thunder-storm she sat trembling and crying, saying only, by way of gentle remonstrance, "Too bad, bow-wow!-too bad!" asked, "What ails my Kittie?" Sobbing still, she answered, "Papa bow-wow at me!" A CORRESPONDENT has handed us the following for insertion in the Drawer: A city situated in Massachusetts, on the banks of the Merrimac, is always blessed with a score of aspirants for the Mayoralty, and some of them are ever on the qui rive for an opportunity to immortalize themselves by a speech. Not long since one of these worthies attended the funeral of a soldier who had died in the service of his country, and whose remains were brought home for interment. Our orator thought the long-sought-for opportunity had arrived to deliver an impressive address, and, carefully preparing himself for the task, he attended the funeral, which was a private one. Just as the mourners were about to remove the remains from the residence of the family our orator, after wiping his eyes two or three times with a large white handkerchief, thus addressed the Mayor and relatives of the deceased: "Mr. Mayor and friends of the deceased,―This is a solemn and impressive occasion. The deceased, not die of wounds received in battle, but by-bywho lies here before us in this beautiful coffin, did by death." Having relieved himself of this eloquent speech our orator sat down, fully satisfied that he had immortalized himself and secured the nomination as the candidate for the next Mayor. |