abuse of so dangerous a specific. We than wise to venture upon a contest offer it only for those urgent emer- with a legion, which has certainly every gencies above mentioned ; and having title to engrave upon its banners, the thus written `poison' on the label, the “multoplures sumus” of the Roman chemist can do no more ; it is not his satirist. fault if his nostrum be applied to any But it may be asked, do these novelother than those extreine cases for mongers give us nothing except dinners wbich alone it was intended. To ladies and wines ? Much every way: v.g.and gentlemen, however, circuinstanced quotations from sundry authors of as we have mentioned above, we beg divers passages which we suspect to be leave to offer the following instructions peculiar to the editions of the quoters ; “how to make a fashionable novel :"- (and for which, at all events, we have oc

Take a Lord Charles, (a younger casionally searched ours in vain)-parason being preferable,) and a Lady graphs of that ingenious lingua Franca, Charlotte ; and, after having stewed which boarding-schools are fond of call. them over a very slow fire, (the genius ing French, and which, therefore, the tyro of a New Burlington-street bookmaker should be carelul not to confound with will be safe enough), through two the dialect on which the disciples of volumes, when they are in the third, the academy bestow the same namekill an uncle, elder brother, or some sentences of Italian, so exceedingly other bore. Squeeze out the title and tough, that after a vigorous effort to estate, and serve up the young couple construe them, we in despair felt comalong with them. N.B.-Parks and pelled to cry out with the ingenuous gardens are to be had, of the best de- Didapper, that we did not understand scription, from Mr. Geo. Robins. Welsh”-cacophonous and grim-look

Apropos of cookery, we must men- ing syllables, claiming to be German, tion that the eating and drinking ap- and which, if they can make that claim pear to constitute by far the most im- good at Dresden, need not, we should portant functions of these phantom think, at Alexandria or Demawend nobles ; and, indeed, we cannot help despair of success in similar pretenfancying that the interest they excite sions to a Coptic or Sanscrit genealogy in the public is chiefly that of "le -to say nothing of the (soi-disant) véritable Amphitryon.” We had no English, almost equally cosmopolite in notion indeed, before, that Jobn Bull its grammatical construction. Of each would be willing to pay so high a price and all of these we had taken the pains for these imaginary dainties. Chateau to cull and transcribe sundry choice Margaux without doubt is well worth specimens, but svon relinquished the drinking, and Chambertin, as we all task, and threw our list into the fireknow, was the beverage of an Emperor, partly, indeed, from the insufferable and well deserved to be so; but we drudgery, but chiefly we would hope, were not aware before, that even the from a more worthy motive. To say man best able to appreciate the merits the truth, it is not much to our taste of a wine-merchant's cellar, would be to break reeds that are already bruised. capable of deriving equal amusement “Novels of Fashionable Life,' written from the perusal of his catalogue. We by an attorney's wife.' . an apotherecollect something of a story of the cary's apprentice,' 'a dissenting minisrenowned Scheherazade, about the ter,' &c. every body can sneer at. We visionary banquet at which the Bar- shall endeavour to bring down gamı, mecide entertained the hapless Scha- which, though equally carrion in its cabac ; and though the table was nature, claims to be a little higher in spread with all the luxury to be ex- its cast. The indignation of our village pected from one who had neither the fashionables is no doubt hot enough, fear of bills nor blue-devils before his now that they have discovered who eyes, yet was the munificent host visited were the creators of those lords and by his hungry and unimaginative guest ladies, whom they have been hoaxed with a hearty thrashing, in return for into purchasing for their models. We his splendid but unsubstantial hospita- cannot say, however, that we sec any Jity. Whether Jolin Bull has acted thing incongruous in that part of the altogether right in bitherto neglecting affair ; for, if it be possible to ima80 completely to imitate the emphatic gine anything more plebeian in and appropriate grace of his Mussul. spirit, than the unfortunate victim of man prototype, is a question which it that disgraceful gossip-hunger, which may be curious to investigate ; though must have given birth to these literary it would be perhaps more chivalrous vermin, assuredly it is the pander to

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it. We confess that, until we beheld took of trying by all manner of conlords and ladies, honorables, M.P.'s tumely the temper of another, who had and esquires, stepping forth (without assumed the character of a philosopher, the excuse of Laberius) to exhibit not out of a principle of virtue, but out themselves and their friends at a guinea of an itch of vain glory.' The pseudo and a half a batch, our indignation lay sage, however, being a cunning fellow, altogether dormant-nor do we believe and up to the trick, managed for a it would ever have kindled sufficiently considerable time to maintain 'a counto crackle, had it not been for the terfeit patience,' until he had combullying attempts they have lately been pletely staggered his reviler; when at making to monopolize to themselves length he exultingly demanded whether the vineyard which was originally he had not proved his right to that planted, and has been so long cultivated honorable appellation. 'I had indeed by their humbler competitors; in which well-nigh believed thee,' smartly rethey themselves, in fact, are but par- torts the tempter, now triumphant in venus of the eleventh hour. This must his turn, 'hadst thou still been able to vever be allowed. The contest may be hold thy tongue.' It strikes us that a dirty one, but "fair play is a jewel,” it is not merely the ethical coxcomb notwithstanding; and we cannot stand who might derive a useful hint from the tamely by, and see the attorneys' shrewd story related by Philosophy to wives, the 'apothecaries' apprentices,' her votary. So long as the aristocracy or the dissenting ministers, swag- were content to look down with silent gered out of the market—which, whe. contempt upon their caricaturists, there ther it be a lawful one or not, is at all was little fear of the circulating library events of their own making—by Lord being able to degrade their order in A Lady B-, the honorable the eyes of the intelligent portion of Mr. C- -, or the dishonorable Mr. the public : and indeed we should be Anybody-of the whole patrician al- sorry to think that any one is even yet phabet, whose haughty spirits may prepared to judge of it, either by the condescend, forsooth, to covet their puppets which have so long figured as stalls. Being ourselves of opinion, that their resemblances in the pages of their to write a good novel of either gh or plebeian libellers, or by those more low life, something more is requisite recently manufactured by these titled than merely to be highly or lowly born; harlequins, who at present appear to we shall proceed with as little reve- have usurped the whole trade. The rence as possible to examine whether, ludicrous failures of the pretended exin this species of manufacture, there be hibitors of high life,' would have been much to choose between a plebeian in themselves sufficient to persuade and a right honourable fool ; and the public that there must be someduring the investigation, we must shut thing indescribable and unapproachour eyes to their wealth, and our ears able in the freemasonry of ton, had to their titles. The courts of genius not sundry specimens of the confessedly take cognizance of no minor distinc- initiated, wantonly stepped forth to tions amongst the competitors ; and it is battle for the hitherto unquestioned inpart of our duty, as door-keepers of the accessibility of their mysteries. How great temple, to see that all who enter far they have graced their cause in put off their coronets and ermine, for speaking of themselves, we shall now the ground whereon they are about to proceed to examine ; for, since they stand is holy.

have not been able to hold their But these titled authors may say- tongues,' but have been pleased to put indeed they do say, and in pretty plain forth their superior pretensions into terms too-that they must understand print,—when they still continue to astheir own peculiar habits and manners sume so imperiously the necessary better than their plebeian rivals, and pre-eminence of their novels, there are are therefore better fitted to describe some obstinate blockheads who will them. With reference to this point, maintain that before we decide so abwe shall in the first instance take an solutely what necessarily must be, it may opportunity of returning good for evil; not be altogether irrelevant to investiand, in place of the bitter three-volume gate a little what actually is the case. doses which they administer, present The vehemence of their claims may dethem with a pleasant fable which we mand for them a hearing, and from the recollect to have met with in Boethius' superficial, may perhaps procure them a “ Consolations of Philosophy.” It is partial one ; but surely must not be concerning the method which one allowod to obtain them a verdict directly

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in the teeth of the evidence. Were and if, in spite of us, the temple of we disposed to settle the question by Apollo must be turned into a den of an a priori discussion, we think it would thieves, we will, at all events, do our not be difficult to produce such con. best to maintain 'cutter's law,' amongst clusive reasons why all novels of this them, and see a fair scramble. We species must, from their very nature, have, accordingly, selected for examibe failures, as would render all inspec- nation two of the most illustrious of tion in detail unnecessary; and before the band, and when we add, that during we close this article, we may perhaps our scrutiny we shall keep their rank enter into a discussion of that point- carefully out of consideration, we apbut it is as well to proceed methodic prehend that it is not they who will cally ; and prove the existence of the have any right to complain. If the fact, before we proceed to account owner of the cattle upon a thousand for it.

bills were to be caught sheep-stealing, Thus far, however, we must premise, surely nothing short of insanity could by way of stating the question fairly induce him to produce his rent-roll in between these ignoble bookmakers and mitigation of judgment; and when a their noble imitators, that if there were nobleman turns devil-author he should, anything in the mere manners or other during his sojourn in Grub-street, be characteristics of any class, from which anxious on his own account, to preserve a good novel might be manufactured, bis incognito strictly. it is certainly not from the members of The authors we are about to exit themselves that it could be looked amine, are the Earl of Mulgrave and for. If this assertion appear para. the Hon. Mrs. Gore-both of them doxical to any one at first sight, we are names so unexceptionable, that if a sure that it is only at first sight it can good name could make a good novel, do so. Surely common sense might nothing more need be desired. Lord teach us that it would be idle to expect Mulgrave we have taken simply on any clear portrait of their own pecue account of his rank ; and as it will not liarities, from those, to whom, being be necessary to waste much time upon natural, they cannot appear peculiar. him, we shall deal with him first. For We meet, indeed, with an ingenious meddling with Mrs. Gore we have adgentleman in Mrs. Gore's novels, who ditional reasons. treats us with a choice metaphor as a

The first is her sex-an admission solution of the failure of the plebeian which, we fear, will bring us little novelists. It is to the effect that credit ;-at least with that cockneyfied objects are necessarily distorted to the class, whose gallantry is of that precise vision of those who view them from a cast which never contradicts a lady.' distance. It would be too unreason- We confess, however, that we are not able to request so illustrious a logician, fond of blue stockings. “Genius is of before he again ventures upon an no sex" certainly, as Madame de Stäel optical illustration, to condescend to remarked, but it is decidedly masculine, form some slight acquaintance with the or at all events unfeminine in its atprinciples of the science; but we would tributes. We willingly admit, indeed, suggest to him, that if he will first look that a rule which would rid us of every at his own nose, and then at his neigh- basbleu at once, at the price of her bour's, he may, by observing which exclusion, would be rather too expenview is the most distorted, form a prac- sive to enforce; but so long as there tical though unlearned idea of the ex- are extant such pages as Mrs. Gore's quisite aptness of his imagery. to evince how very little 'genius' is

We shall not be suspected of any in- requisite to unsex a woman, we shall tention to protest against the well- content ourselves with retorting the earned sentence of damnation which charge of a want of gallantry upon the public has at length passed upon those who think that the character of a the ""Jackey school," (as the West. mere woman can ever be exchanged minster school so aptly denominated with advantage for that of a mere the authors of “Almacks,” “ Vivian scribbler. In the next place—although Grey," “ The Exclusives," &c.) but we we cannot pretend to any thing like confess that we are not exactly dis- strength of lungs sufficient to meet the posed to see them thus made the scape- expenditure of yawns, requisite to engoats for the more exalted members of able us to keep pace with the various this disreputable gang. We have no competitors in this pell-mell race toidea of seeing one set of rogues hanged, wards the goal of absurdity—and merely to improve the trade of another; though our view may be in conse

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quence a little distorted—yet it cer- whether we begin to build the dam tainly does appear to us that Mrs. a little higher up, or a little lower Gore's pre-eminence is sufficient to en- down. We did intend, however, after title her to a special warning. But having duly examined the whole set, our principal reason is, that her to have devoted a second reading to volumes having been puffed more ve- the most recent, and actually took hemently than any others of the class, them in hand for that purpose ; but have (however contemptible in them- we had not got through above a dozen selves) become, like the straw in pages or so on our remeasured path, Bacon's apothegm, the means of shew. when we felt violently temped to close ing which way the wind blows; and the volumes--and-in short-to tell the if the reader have patience to follow truth-there are some temptations which us through the impending examination, are irresistible. Since, therefore, there he will, we think, feel little difficulty is not a pin to choose between their in deciding that the breeze which respective attractions, and our object puffed such productions as her's must is merely to present the reader with a have blown from Gotham.

fair portrait of the class, we have conWe must apologise to the public, sidered that it will be better answered (for to the authors themselves who by selecting the last we have read, than have inflicted such volumes as these the last they have written. upon us, we cannot think that any apo- The Earl of Mulgrave's last work logy can be due from us for anything (Castleton) was the one with which we at all, but) to the public we should, commenced our career, and we have perhaps, apologise for having taken therefore, now only a general recolleconly one novel of each as a sample. tion that it is founded on the Marquis It might be argued that this is an un- of Exeter's marriage—that the scene fair way of judging ; and we admit the is laid in Cumberland—and further, that objection in a general way, but de- although his lordship may boast himself mur to it in the present instance, on a scion of the glorious“north countrie,” the ground that the volumes which we his imitations of its provincial diahave chosen are such as to sanction an lect fully warrant us in congratulating analogical inference, that any thing him upon having still in his power the of coinmon sense from the same source pleasure of a virgin tour to the lakes. would be morally impossible. How- Yes and No" was the last that we ever, for the reader's additional satis- examined, and it is with it, therefore, faction, we can assure him that we that we have now to deal. have toiled through the whole wilder- The opening chapter introduces to ness, and that the fact is what we have our notice two gentlemen who are stated that the inference might be ; about to eat mutton chops at an inv. and should he still persist in doubting Instead, however, of allowing the our word, to such a refractory caviller reader to accompany them in that we can only say, that if in order to pleasing amusement, we intend to dequalify him to judge for himself, he iain him on the threshold for a few will submit to the performance of a minutes, to acquaint him with the similar pilgrimage, we shall esteem our- disasters which befell us in the openselves more than sufficiently avenged ing of our career, under the escort of on him for the insult implied in his the Earl of Mulgrave-disasters which incredulity.

beat those of Margaret Lindsay hollow. There is another circumstance which, But in order to enable him to symperhaps we ought also to mention. It pathise duly with our sorrows, we so happens, that we have not, as is must premise a few explanatory reusual when reviewing an arrear of marks. He must doubtless be aware works, selected the last specimen for that the course of a novel is like that dissection. This we esteem, indeed, of human life in this respect—the first a matter of little consequence ; seeing chapters of each we are expected to that all of them are either already spend, not in amusement, but a sort gone, or fast going to that bourne of apprenticeship-in laying up stores, where there is no precedence; and in short, for our guidance and enjoyalso that by the time our essay shall ment during the rest. As in infancy appear, those which are now last will, also, every circumstance, however in all probability, have begun to be trifling, is of importance in forming reckoned amongst the first. Our ob- the mind ; 'and as the twig is bent ject, therefore, being merely to stop the tree's inclined,'

-even so in the the stream, it is of litile importance dawn of a fiction we are to consider