2. FRANKLIN AND MADAM GOUT

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

Franklin calls Madam Gout his enemy; Madam Gout calls herself Franklin's real friend. Find out who is right. May they both be right? These words may bother you; examine their meaning before you begin to read.

gout: a disease due to overeating. glutton: one who eats too much.

tippler: one who drinks too much.

humors: the fluids of the body, blood. maladies: illnesses.

dissipating wasting.
commodious: large, ample.

terrace: a raised level place in
a lawn.
maxims: rules.

Franklin. Eh! oh! eh! what have I done to merit these cruel sufferings?

Gout. Many things; you have eaten and drunk too freely, and too much indulged those legs of yours in their indolence. Franklin. Who is it that accuses me?

Gout. It is I, even I, the Gout.

Franklin. What! my enemy in person?

Gout. No, not your enemy.

Franklin. I repeat it, my enemy; for you would not only torment my body to death, but ruin my good name. You reproach me as a glutton and a tippler; now, all the world that knows me will allow that I am neither the one nor the other.

Gout. The world may think as it pleases; it is always very kind to itself, and sometimes to its friends; but I know very well that the quantity of meat and drink proper for a man who takes a reasonable degree of exercise would be too much for another who never takes any.

eh!

Franklin. I take eh! oh! as much exercise as I can, Madam Gout. You know my inactive life, and on that account it would seem, Madam Gout, as if you might spare me a little, seeing it is not altogether my own fault.

Gout. Not a jot; your eloquence and your politeness are thrown away; your apology avails nothing. If your situation in life is an inactive one, your amusements, your recreations, at least, should be active. You ought to walk or ride, or, if

the weather prevents that, play at billiards. You eat an excessive breakfast, four dishes of tea, with cream, and one or two buttered toasts, with slices of dried beef, which I fancy are not things the most easily digested. Immediately afterward you sit down to write at your desk, or converse with persons who apply to you on business. Thus the time passes till one o'clock, without any kind of bodily exercise. But all this I could pardon, in regard, as you say, to your inactive condition. But what is your practice after dinner? Walking in the beautiful gardens of those friends with whom you have dined would be the choice of men of sense; yours is to be fixed down to chess, where you are found engaged for two or three hours. What can be expected from such a course of living but a body full of humors, ready to fall a prey to all dangerous maladies, if I, the Gout, did not occasionally bring you relief by agitating those humors, and so purifying them? Fie, Mr. Franklin! But, amidst my instructions, I had almost forgot my wholesome corrections; so take that twinge — and that.

Franklin. Oh! eh! oh! ohh!

As much instruction as you please, Madam Gout, and as many reproaches; but pray, madam, a truce with your corrections.

Gout. No, sir, no; I will not abate a particle of what is so much for your good - therefore

Franklin. Oh! ehh! It is not fair to say I take no exercise, when I do very often, going out to dine and returning in my carriage.

Gout. That, of all imaginable exercises, is the most slight and insignificant, if you allude to the motion of a carriage suspended upon springs. Providence has appointed few to roll in carriages, while He has given to all a pair of legs, which are machines infinitely more serviceable. Be grateful, then, and make a proper use of yours.

Franklin. Your reasonings grow very tiresome.

Gout. I stand corrected.

office: take that - and that.

I will be silent and continue my

Franklin. Oh! ohh! — Talk on, I pray you!

Gout. No, no; I have a good number of twinges for you tonight, and you may be sure of more to-morrow.

Franklin. What! with such a fever! I shall go distracted. Oh! eh! - Can no one bear it for me?

Gout. Ask that of your horses; they have served you faithfully.

Franklin. How can you so cruelly sport with my torments? Gout. Sport! I am very serious. I have here a list of offenses against your own health, distinctly written, and can justify every stroke inflicted on you.

Franklin. Read it, then.

Gout. It is too long a detail; but I shall briefly mention some particulars.

Franklin. Proceed. I am all attention.

Gout. Do you remember how often you have promised yourself a walk in the grove or in the garden the following morning, and have broken your promise, saying at one time it was too cold, at another too warm, too windy, too moist, or what else you pleased, when in truth it was too nothing but your great love of ease?

Franklin. That, I confess, may have happened occasionally, probably ten times in a year.

Gout. Your confession is very far short of the truth; the total amount is one hundred and ninety-nine times.

Franklin. Is it possible?

Gout. So possible that it is fact; you may rely on the accuracy of my statement. You know Mr. Brillon's gardens, and what fine walks they contain; you know the handsome flight of an hundred steps which lead from the terrace above to the lawn below. You have been in the practice of visiting this amiable family twice a week, after dinner, and it is a maxim of your own that "a man may take as much exercise in walking a mile, up and down stairs, as in ten on level ground." What an opportunity was here for you to have had exercise in both these ways! Did you embrace it? and how often?

Franklin. I cannot immediately answer that question.
Gout. I will do it for you. Not once.

Franklin. Not once?

Gout. Even so. During the summer you went there at six o'clock. You found the charming lady, with her lovely children

and friends, eager to walk with you and entertain you with their agreeable conversation; and what has been your choice? Why, to sit on the terrace, satisfying yourself with the fine view and passing your eye over the beauties of the gardens below, without taking one step to descend and walk about in them. On the contrary, you call for tea and the chessboard; and lo! you are occupied in your seat till nine o'clock, and that besides two hours' play after dinner; and then, instead of walking home, which would have bestirred you a little, you step into your carriage. How absurd to suppose that all this carelessness can be accompanied by health!

Franklin. I am convinced now of the justice of Poor Richard's remark, that "our debts and our sins are always greater than we think for."

Gout. So it is. You wise men are sages in your maxims and fools in your conduct.

Franklin. But do you charge among my crimes that I return in a carriage from Mr. Brillon's?

Gout. Certainly; for, having been seated all the while, you cannot make the fatigue of the day an excuse, and cannot need, therefore, the relief of a carriage.

Franklin. What, then, would you have me do with my carriage?

Gout. Burn it, if you choose; you would at least get heat out of it once in this way; or, if you dislike that proposal, here's another for you; observe the poor peasants who work in the vineyards and grounds; you may find every day, among these deserving creatures, four or five old men and women, bent and perhaps crippled by weight of years and too long and too great labor. After a most fatiguing day, these people have to trudge a mile or two to their smoky huts. Order your coachman to set them down. This is an act that will be good for your soul, and at the same time, after your visit to the Brillons, if you return on foot, that will be good for your body.

Franklin. Ah! how tiresome you are!

Gout. Well, then, to my office; it should not be forgotten that I am your physician. — There.

Franklin. Ohhh! - What a cruel physician!

Gout. How ungrateful you are to say so! Is it not I who, in the character of your physician, have saved you from the palsy, dropsy, and apoplexy? One or other of which would have done for you long ago but for me.

Franklin. I submit, and thank you for the past, but entreat that you do not visit me in the future; for, in my mind, one had better die than be cured so dolefully. -Oh! oh! For heaven's sake, leave me, and I promise faithfully never more to play at chess, but to take exercise daily and live temperately. Gout. I know ycu too well. You promise fair; but after a few months of good health you will return to your old habits; your fine promises will be forgotten like the forms of the last year's clouds. Let us then finish the account, and I will go. But I leave you with an assurance of visiting you again at a proper time and place; for my object is your good, and you are sensible now that I am your real friend.

CLASS ACTIVITIES

1. What habits brought on Franklin's condition? Do you suppose Franklin meant to write about gout only? Explain.

2. Explain the meaning of "live temperately," and give examples from the life of some one you know.

3. Why did Gout consider herself a friend? How might a toothache be a friend to you? Aching eyes?

4. What rules of health are suggested by this conversation? Read the "Rules of Conduct" in Book One, p. 654, to find how many of them apply to health.

5. Read in dialogue form the part of the conversation which shows Franklin stubborn; read the part which shows him humble. What differences in voice and manner of reading will show the change in his attitude toward Gout?

6. Why does your school have a recess period? Group athletic drill? What else does it provide for warding off enemies from children? Make a list of the most important health habits your school is cultivating.

7. Volunteer work: A girl from the food classes may explain what principal kinds of food should be included in the diet of young people. What is a "balanced ration" for animals? What kinds of foods should healthy people eat every day? How much should they

eat? How often?