antiquity of the true critics. For, pretending to make a defcription of many ftrange animals about India, he hath fet down these remarkable words. Amongst the reft, fays he, there is a ferpent that wants teeth, and confequently. cannot bite; but if its vomit, to which it is much addicted, happens to fall upon any thing, a certain rottennefs or cor ruption enfues. These ferpents are generally found among the mountains where Jewels grow, and they frequently emit a poisonous juice; whereof whoever drinks, that perfon's'; brains fly out of his noftrils.

There was also among the ancients a fort of critics, not diftinguished in fpecie from the former, but in growth or degree, who feem to have been only the tyro's or junior scholars: yet, because of their differing employments, they are frequently mentioned as a fect by them-felves. The ufual exercife of these younger ftudents, was, to attend conftantly at theatres, and learn to fpy out the worst parts of the play, whereof they were obliged carefully to take note, and render a rational account to their tutors. Flefhed at these smaller sports,-like young wolves, they grew up in time to be nimble and ftrong enough for hunting down large game. For it hath been obferved, both among ancients and moderns, that a true critic hath one quality in common with a whore and an alderman, never to change his title or his nature; that a gray critic has been certainly a green one, the perfections and acquirements of his age being only the improved talents of his youth; like hemp; which fome naturalifts inform us is bad for fuffo-,cations, though taken but in the feed. I efteem the invention, or at least the refinement of prologues, to have been owing to these younger proficients, of whom Te-:rence makes frequent and honourable mention, under r the name of malevoli.

Now, it is certain the inftitution of the true critics was of abfolute neceffity to the commonwealth of learning. For all human actions feem to be divided, like Themiftocles and his company: one man can fiddle, and ano. ther can make a small town a great city; and he that cannot do either one or the other, deferves to be kicked out of the creation. The avoiding of which penalty has doubtless given the first birth to the nation of cri F32

ties; and withal, an occafion for their fecret detractors to report, that a true critic is a fort of mehanic, fet up with a stock and tools for his trade at as little expence as a tailor; and that there is much analogy between the utenfils and abilities of both: that the tailor's hell is the type of a critic's common-place-book, and his wit and learning held forth by the goofe; that it requires at leaft as many of these to the making up of one scholar, as of the others to the compofition of a man; that the vaJour of both is equal, and their weapons near of a fize. Much may be faid in answer to thofe invidious reflec tions; and I can pofitively affirm the first to be a falfehood: for, on the contrary, nothing is more certain, than that it requires greater layings out to be free of the critic's company, than of any other you can name. For, as to be a true beggar, it will coft the richest candidate every groat he is worth; fo, before one can commence a true critic, it will coft a man all the good qualities of his mind; which perhaps for a lefs purchase would be thought but an indifferent bargain.

Having thus amply proved the antiquity of criticism, and defcribed the primitive ftate of it; I fhall now examine the prefent condition of this empire, and fhew how well it agrees with its ancient felf. A certain author, whofe works have many ages fince been entirely loft, does, in his fifth book, and eighth chapter, fay of critics, that their writings are the mirrors of learning. This I underlland in a literal sense; and suppose our author muft mean, that whoever defigns to be a perfect writer, muft infpect into the books of critics, and correct his invention there, as in a mirror. Now, whoever confiders, that the mirrors of the ancients were made of brass, and fine mercurio, may prefently apply the two principal qualifications of a true modern critic; and confequently nruft needs conclude, that these have always been, and must be for ever the fame. For brass is an emblem of duration, and, when it is fkilfully burnifhed, will caft reflections from its own fuperficies, without any affiftance of mercury from behind. All the o

A quotation after the manner of a great author. vide Bentley's differtation, &c.

ther

الله

69 ther talents of a critic will not require a particular mention, being included, or eafily reducible to thefe. However, I fhall conclude with three maxims, which may ferve both as characteristics to diftinguith a true modern critic from a pretender, and will be alfo of admirable ufe to thofe worthy fpirits who engage in fo usefal and honourable an art.

The first is, That criticism, contrary to all other faculties of the intellect, is ever held the trueft and best, when it is the very first result of the critic's mind as fowlers reckon the first aim for the fureft, and feldom fail of miffing the mark, if they itay for a fecond.

Secondly, The true critics are known by their talent of fwarming about the nobleft writers, to which they are carried merely by inftinct, as a rat to the best cheese, or a wafp to the fairest fruit. So, when the king is on horseback, he is fure to be the dirtiest perfon of the company; and they that make their court beft, are fuch as be/patter him most.

Laftly, A true critic in the perufal of a book is like a dog at a feaft, whofe thoughts and ftomich are wholly fet upon what the guests fling away; and confequently is apt to Snarl most when there are the feweft bones.

Thus much, I think, is fufficient to ferve by way of addrefs to my patrons, the true modern critics; and may very well atone for my paft filence, as well as that which I am like to obferve for the future. I hope I have deferved fo well of their whole body, as to meet with generous and tender ufage from their hands. Supported by which expectation, I go on boldly to purfue thofe adventures already fo happily begun.

I

SE C T. IV.

A TALE OF A TUB.

Have now with much pains and study conducted the reader to a period, where he muft expect to hear of great revolutions. For no fooner had our learned brother, fo often mentioned, got a warm houfe of his own over his head, than he began to look big, and take mightily

mightily upon him; infomuch that, unless the gentle': reader, out of his great candour, will pleafe a little to exalt his idea, I am afraid he will henceforth hardly. know the hero of the play, when he happens to meet> him; his part, his drefs, and his mien being fo much altered.

He told his brothers, he would have them to know. that he was their elder, and confequently his father's fole heir; nay, a while after he would not allow them to call him brother, but MR. PETER; and then he must be ftyled FATHER PETER, and fometimes My LORD PETER. To fupport this grandeur, which he foon be gan to confider could not be maintained without a better fonde than what he was born to; after much thought, he calt about at last to turn projector and virtuofo; wherein he fo well fucceeded, that many famous difcoveries, projects, and machines, which bear great vogue and practice at prefent, in the world, are owing entirely to LORD PETER's invention. I will deduce the best account I have been able to collect of the chief amongst them; without confidering much the order they came out in; because, I think, authors are not well agreed as to that point.

I hope, when this treatife of mine fhall be tranflated into foreign languages, (as I may without vanity affirm, that the labour of collecting, the faithfulnefs in recounting, and the great ufefulness of the matter to the public, will amply deferve that juftice), that the worthy members of the feveral academies abroad, especially thofe of France and Italy, will favourably accept thefe humble offers for the advancement of univerfal.knowledge. I do alfo advertife the Moft Reverend fathers the eastern miffionaries, that I have, purely for their fakes, made ufe of fuch words and phrafes as willbeft admit an eafy turn into any of the oriental languages, efpecially the Chinese. And fo I proceed, with great content of mind, upon reflecting how much emolument this whole globe of the earth is like to reap by my labours.

The first undertaking of Lord Peter was, to purchafe a large continent *, lately faid to have been difcovered

That is purgatory.......

in Terra Auftralis Incognita. This tract of land he bought at a very great pennyworth from the difcoverers themfelves, (though fome pretended to doubt whether they had ever been there), and then retailed it into several cantons to certain dealers, who carried over colonies, but were all fhipwrecked in the voyage. Upon which Lord Peter fold the faid continent to other cuftomers again, and again, and again, and again, with the fame fuccefs.

The fecond project I shall mention was his fovereign remedy for the worms *, especially those in the Spleen. The patient was to eat nothing after fupper for three nights. As foon as he went to bed, he was carefully to lie on one fide; and when he grew weary, to turn upon the other. He muft alfo duly confine his two eyes to the fame object; and by no means break wind at both ends together, without manifeft occafion. These prescriptions diligently obferved, the worms would void infenfibly by perfpiration, afcending through the brain.

as

A third invention was the erecting of a whisperingoffice, for the public good and ease of all fuch as are hypochondriacal, or troubled with the colic; likewife of all eves-droppers, phyficians, midwives, fmall politicians, friends fallen out, repeating poets, lovers happy or in defpair, bawds, privy-counfellors, pages, parafites, and buffoons: in fhort, of all fuch as are in danger of bursting with too much wind. An afs's head was placed fo conveniently, that the party affected might eafily with his mouth accoft either of the animal's ears; to which he was to apply close for a certain space, and by a fugitive faculty, peculiar to the

* Penance and abfolution are played upon under the notion of a fovereign remedy for the worms, efpecially in the fpleen; which, by obferving Peter's prefcription, would void infenfibly by perfpiration, afcending through the brain, &c. W. Wotton.

+ Here the author ridicules the penances of the church of Rome; which may be made as eafy to the finner as he pleases, provided he will pay for them accordingly.

By his whispering office, for the relief of eves droppers, phyficians, bawds, and privy counfellors, he ridicules auricular confeffion; and the priest who takes it, is defcribed by the ass's head. W. Wotton.

ears