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The

THE

PREFACE.

HE wits of the prefent age being fo very nume rous and penetrating, it seems the grandees of church and fate begin to fall under horrible apprehenfions, left thefe gentlemen, during, the intervals of a long peace, fhould find leifure to pick holes in the weak fides of religion and government. To prevent which, there has been much thought employed of late upon certain projects for taking off the force and edge of those formidable inquirers, from canvaffing and reafoning upon fuch delicate points. They have at length fixed upon one, which will require fome time as well as coft to perfect. Mean while, the danger hourly increafing, by new levies of wits, all appointed (as there is reafon to fear) with pen, ink, and paper, which may, at an hour's warning, be drawn out into pamphlets, and other offenfive weapons, ready for immediate execution; it was judged of abfolute neceffity, that fome prefent expedient be thought on, till the main defign can be brought to maturity. To this end, at a grand committee, fome days ago, this important difcovery was made by a certain curious and refined obferver, That feamen have a cuftom, when they meet a whale, to fling him out an empty tub by way of amufement, to divert him from laying violent hands upon the fhip. This parable was immediately mythologifed.: The whale was interpreted to be Hobbes's Leviathan; which toffes and plays with all fchemes of religion and government, whereof a great many are hollow, and dry, and empty, and noify, and wooden, and given to rotation.

This is

the Leviathan, from whence the terrible wits of our age are faid to borrow their weapons. The hip in danger, is easily understood to be its old antitype, the commonwealth. But how to analyfe the tub, was a matter of difficulty; when, after long inquiry and debate, the literal meaning was preferved: and it was decreed, that, in order to prevent thefe Leviathans from toffing and fporting with the commonwealth, which of itself is too apt to fluctuare, they fhould be diverted from that game VOL. J. C

by

by a Tale of a Tub. And my genius being conceived to lie not unhappily that way, I had the honour done me to be engaged in the performance.

This is the fole defign in publishing the following treatise; which I hope will serve for an interim of fome months to employ thofe unquiet fpirits, till the perfecting of that great work: into the fecret of which, it is reasonable the courteous reader fhould have fome little light.

It is intended, that a large academy be erected, capable of containing nine thousand feven hundred forty and three perfons; which, by modeft computation, is reckoned to be pretty near the current number of wits in this island. These are to be difpofed into the feveral schools of this academy, and there pursue thofe ftudies to which their genius moft inclines them. The undertaker himfelf will publish his proposals with all convenient fpeed; to which I fhall refer the curious reader for a more particular account, mentioning at prefent only a few of the principal fchools. There is, firft, a large paderaftic fchool, with French and Italian masters: there is, alfo, the Spelling school, a very spacious building; the fchool of locking-glaffes; the fchool of fwearing; the school of critics; the school of falivation; the school of hobby-hor/es; the school of poetry; the fchool of tops the fchool of Spleen; the school of gaming; with many others, too tedious to recount. No perfon to be admitted member into any of thefe fchools, without an atteftation under two fufficient perfons hands, certifying him to be a wit.

*

But to return: I am fufficiently inftructed in the prin cipal duty of a preface, if my genius were capable of arriving at it. Thrice have I forced my imagination to make the tour of my invention, and thrice it has returned empty; the latter having been wholly drained by the following treatise. Not fo my more fuccefsful brethren the moderns, who will by no means let flip a preface or

This I think the author fhould have omitted, it being of the very fame nature with the school of bobby-borfes, if one may venture to cenfure one, who is fo fevere a cenfurer of others, Perhaps with too little distinction.

dedication,

dedication, without fome notable diftinguishing ftroke to furprise the reader at the entry, and kindle a won derful expectation of what is to enfue. Such was that of a molt ingenious poet, who, foliciting his brain for fomething new, compared himself to the hangman, and his patron to the patient. This was infigne, recens, indi Etum ore alio*. When I went through that neceffary and noble course of study +, I had the happiness to obferve many fuch egregious touches; which I fhall not injure the authors by tranfplanting; becaufe I have remarked, that nothing is for very tender as a modern piece of wit, and which is apt to fuffer fo much in the carriage. Some things are extremely witty to-day, or fafting, or in this place, or at eight a clock, or over a bottle, or spoke by Mr. What d'y'call'm, or in a fummer's morning any of the which, by the fmallest transposal or misapplication, is› utterly annihilate. Thus, Wit has its walks and purlieus, out of which it may not ftray the breadth of an hair, upon peril of being loft. The moderns have artfully fixed this mercury, and reduced it to the circumftances of time, place, and perfon. Such a jeft there is, that will not pafs out of Covent-garden; and fuch a one, that is no where intelligible but at Hyde-park corner. Now, though it fometimes tenderly affects me, to confider, that all the towardly paffages I fhall deliver in the following treatife, will grow quite out of date and relish with the first shifting of the prefent fcene; yet I must needs fubfcribe to the juftice of this proceeding; because I cannot imagine why we fhould be at expence to furnish wit for fucceeding ages, when the former have made no fort of provifion for ours: wherein I fpeak the fentiment of the very newest, and confe-quently the most orthodox refiners, as well as my own. However, being extremely folicitous, that every accomplifhed perfon, who has got into the taste of wit calculated for this prefent month of August 1697, should defcend to the very bottom of all the fublime throughout this treatise; I hold fit to lay down this general maxim: Whatever reader defires to have a thorough comprehen-* Hør. Something extraordinary, new, and never hit upon before. + Reading prefaces, &c.

C 2

fion

fion of an author's thoughts, cannot take a better method, than by putting himself into the circumftances and postures of life, that the writer was in upon every important paffage, as it flowed from his pen for this will introduce a parity and ftrict correfpondence of ideas between the reader and the author. Now, to affift the diligent reader in fo delicate an affair, as far as brevity will permit, I have recollected, that the fhrewedeft pieces of this treatise were conceived in bed, in a garret. At other times, for a reafon best known to myself, I thought fit to fharpen my invention with hunger; and, in general, the whole work was begun, continued, and ended, under a long courfe of phyfic, and a great want of money. Now, I do affirm, it will be abfolutely impoffible for the candid perufer to go along with me in a great many bright paffages, unlefs, upon the feveral difficulties emergent, he will pleafe to capacitate and prepare himself by thefe directions. And this I lay down as my principal poftulatum.

Because I have profeffed to be a most devoted: fervant of all modern forms, I apprehend fome curious wit may object against me, for proceeding thus far in a preface, without declaiming, according to the cuftom, against the multitude of writers, whereof the whole multitude of writers most reasonably complain. I am just come from perufing fome hundreds of prefaces, wherein the authors do at the very beginning addrefs the gentle reader concerning this enormous grievance. Of thefe I have preferved a few examples, and fhall fet them down as near as my memory has been able to retain them.

One begins thus:

For a man to fet up for a writer, when the prefs fwarms with, &c.

Another :

The tax upon paper does not leffen the number of fcribblers, who daily pefter, &c.

Another :

When every little would-be wit takes pen in hand, 'tis in vain to enter the lifts, &c.

Another :

To obferve what tralh the prefs fwarms with, &c.

Another

Another :

Sir, It is merely in obedience to your commands, that I venture into the public; for who, upon a lefs confideration, would be of a party with fuch a rabble of fcribblers? &c.

Now, I have two words in my own defence against this objection. First, I am far from granting the num◄ ber of writers a nuifance to our nation, having ftrenuoufly maintained the contrary in feveral parts of the following difcourfe. Secondly, I do not well underftand the juftice of this proceeding; because I obferve many of thefe polite prefaces to be not only from the fame hand, but from those who are most voluminous in their feveral productions. Upon which 1 fhall tell the reader a short tale.

A mountebank, in Leicester-fields, had drawn a huge affembly about him. Among the reft, a fat unweildy fellow, half-ftifled in the prefs, would be every fit crying out, Lord! what a filthy croud is here? Pray, good people, give way a little. Blefs me! what a devil has raked this rabble together! Z-ds, what fqueezing is this! Honeft friend, remove your elbow. At laft, a weaver, that stood next him, could hold no longer : A plague confound you faid he) for an overgrown floven; and who, in the devil's name, I wonder, helps to make up the croud half fo much as yourself? Don't you confider, with a pox, that you take up more room with that carcafe than any five here? Is not the place as free for us as for you? Bring your own guts to a reafonable compafs, and be d-n'd; and then I'll engage we fhall have room enough for us all.

There are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof, I hope, there will be no reafon to doubt; particularly, that, where I am not understood, it fhall be concluded, that fomething very useful and profound is couched underneath; and again, that whatever word or fentence is printed in a different character, fhall be judged to contain fomething extraordinary ether of wit or fublime.

As for the liberty I have thought fit to take of prai fing myfelf upon fome occafions of none; I am fure it will need no excufe, if a multitude of great examples be allowed fufficient authority. For it is here to be noted,

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that

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