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police; furthermore to Mr. Flacks, the morning lecturer; in like manner to the court bookseller, Mr. Pasvogel; and finally to Monsieur Flitte, -nothing: not so much because they have no just claims upon me-standing, as they do in the remotest possible decree of consanguinity; nor again, because they are, for the most part, themselves rich enough to leave handsome inheritances; as because I am assured, indeed I have it from their own lips, that they entertain a far stronger regard for
my insignificant person than for my splendid property; my body, therefore, or as large a share of it as they can get, I bequeath to them.”
At this point, seren faces, like those of the seven sleepers, gradually elongated into preternatural extent. The ecclesiastical councillor, a young man, but already famous throughout Germany for his sermons printed or preached, was especially aggrieved by such offensive personality: Monsieur Flitte rapped but a curse that rattled even in the ears of magistracy: the chin of Flacks, the morning lecturer, gravitated downwards into the dimensions of a patriachal beard: and the town-council could distinguish an assortment of audible reproaches to the memory of Mr. Kabel, such as prig, rascal, profane wretch, &c. But the Mayor motioned with his hand; and immediately the Fiscal and the bookseller recomposed their features and set their faces like so many traps, with springs, and triggers, all at full cock, that they might catch every syllable; and then, with a gravity that cost him some efforts, his worship read on as follows:
“Excepting always, and be it excepted, my present house in Dog. street: which house, by virtue of this third clause, is to descend and to pass in full property, just as it now stands, to that one of my seven relatives above-mentioned, who shall, in the space of one half hour (to be computed from the reciting of this clause) shed, to the memory of me his departed kinsman, sooner than the other six competitors, one, or it possible, a couple of tears, in the presence of a respectable magistrate, who is to make a protocol thereof. Should, however, all remain dry, in that case, the house must lapse to the heir general-whom I shall proceed to name.
Here Mr. Mayor closed the will.: doubtless, he observed the condition annexed to the bequest was an unusual one, but yet, in no respect contrary to law: to him that wept the first the court was bound to adjudge the house : and then, placing his watch on the session table, the pointers of which indicated that it was now just half past eleven, he calmly sat down-that he might duly witness, in his official character of executor, assisted by the whole court of Alderman, who should be the first to produce the requisite tear or tears on behalf of the testator.
VOL. II.NO. 3,
That since the terraqueous globe has moved or existed, there can ever have met a more lugubrious congress, or one more out of temper and enraged than this of Seven United Provinces, as it were, all dry and all confederated for the purpose of weeping, - I suppose no impartial judge will believe. At first some invaluable minutes were lost in pure confusion of mind, in astonishment, and in peals of laughter: the congress found itself too suddenly translated into the condition of the dog to which, in the very moment of his keenest assault upon some object of his appetites, the fiend cried out-Halt! whereupon, standing up, as he was, on his hind legs, his teeth grinning, and snarling with the fury of desire, he halted and remained petrified :—from the graspings of hope, however distant, to the necessity of weeping for a wager, the congress found the transition too abrupt and harsh.
One thing was evident to all—that for a shower that was to come down at such a full gallop, for a baptism of the eyes to be performed at such a hunting pace, it was vain to think of raising up any pure water of grief: no hydraulics could affect this : yet in twenty-six minutes (four unfortunately were already gone,) in one way or other, perhaps, some business might be done.
“Was there ever such a cursed act,” said the merchant Neupeter, “ such a piece of buffoonery enjoined by any man of sense and discretion? For my part, I can't understand what the d-lit means.' However, he understood thus much, that a house was by possibility floating in his purse upon a tear : and that was enough to cause a violent irritation in his lachrymal glands.
Knoll, the fiscal, was screwing up, twisting, and distorting his features pretty much in the style of a poor artisan on Saturday night, whom some fellow-workman is barber-ously razoring and scraping by the light of a cobler's candle : furious was his wrath at this abuse and profanation of the title Last Will and Testament : and at one time, poor soul! he was near enough to tears-of vexation.
The wily bookseller, Pasvogel, without loss of time, sate down quietly to business : he ran through a cursory retrospect of all the works any ways moving or affecting, that he had himself either published or sold on commission ;-took a flying survey of the Pathetic in general: and in this way of going to work he had fair expectations that in the end he should brew something or other : as yet, however, he looked very much like a dog who is slowly licking off an emetic which the Parisian surgeon Demet has administered by smearing it on his nose: time,-gentlemen, time was required for the operation.
Monsieur Flitte, from Alsace, fairly danced up and down the Sessions-chamber : with bursts of laughter he surveyed the rueful faces around him : he confessed that he was not the richest among them; but for the whole city of Strasburg and Alsace to boot, he was not the man that could or would weep on such a
merry occasion. He went on with his unseasonable laughter and indecent mirth, until Harprecht, the Police Inspector, looked at him very significantly, and said—that perhaps Monsieur flattered himself that he might by means of laughter squeeze or express the tears required from the well-known Meibomianglands, the caruncula, &c. and might thus piratically provide himself with surreptitious rain ;* but in that case, he must remind him that he could no more win the day with any such secretions, than he could carry to account a course of sneezes or wilfully blowing his nose; a channel into which it was well known that very many tears, far more than were now wanted, Howed out of the eyes through the nasal duct; more indeed, by a good deal, than were ever known to flow downwards to the bottom of most pews at a funeral sermon. Monsieur Flitte of Alsace, however, protested that he was laughing out of pure fun, and for his own amusement; and, upon his honour, with no ulterior views.
The inspector, on his side, being pretty well acquainted with the hopeless condition of his own dephlegmatised heart, endeavoured to force into his eyes something that might meet the occasion by staring with them wide open, in a state of rigid expansion.
The morning-lecturer Flacks, looked like a Jew beggar mounted on a stallion which is running away with him: meantime, what by domestic tribulations, what by those he witnessed at his own lecture, his heart was furnished with such a promising bank of heavy laden clouds that he could easily have delivered upon the spot the main quantity of water required, had it not been for the house which floated on the top of the storm; and which, just as all was ready, came driving in with the tide, too gay and gladsome a spectacle not to banish his gloom, and thus fairly dammed up the waters.
The ecclesiastical councillor,who had become acquainted with his own nature by his long experience in preaching funeral sermons, and sermons on the new year, and knew full well that he was himself always the first person, and frequently the last, to be affected by the pathos of his own eloquence,-now rose with dignified solemnity, on seeing himself and the others hanging so long by the dry rope, and addressed the chamber :-No man, he said, who had read his printed works, could fail to know that he carried a heart about him as well as other people, and a heart,
* In the original, the word is Fenster-schweiss, window-sweat; i. e. (as the translator understands the passage) Monsieur Flitte was suspected of a design to swindle the company, by exhibiting his two windows streaming with spurious moisture, such as hoar frost produces on the windows when melted by the heat of the
room, rather than vith that genuine and unadulterated rain which Mr. Kabel demanded.
he would add, that had occasion to repress such holy testimonies of its tenderness as tears, lest he should thereby draw too heavily on the sympathies and the purses of his fellow-men, rather than elaborately to provoke them by stimulants for any secondary views, or to serve an indirect purpose of his own : “this heart, said he, “ has already shed tears (but they were shed secretly) for Kabel was my friend :" and, so saying, he paused for a moment and looked about him,
With pleasure he observed, that all were still sitting as dry as çorks : indeed, at this particular moment, when he himself by interrupting their several water-works had made them furiously angry, it might as well have been expected that crocodiles, fal. low-deer, elephants, witches, or ravens, should weep for Van der Kabel, as his presumptive heirs. Among them all, Flacks was the only one who continued to make way: he kept steadily before his mind the following little extempore assortment of objects :-Van der Kabel's good and beneficent acts;--the old petticoats, so worn and tattered, and the grey hair of his female congregation at norning service ; Lazarus with his dogs; his own long coffin; innumerable decapitations; the Sorrows of Werter; a miniature field of battle; and finally, himself and his own melancholy condition at this moment, itself enough to melt any heart, condemned as he was in the bloom of youth, by the second clause of Van der Kabel's will, to tribulation, and tears, and struggles ;-Well done, Flacks! Three strokes more with the pump-handle, and the water is pumped up-and the house along with it,
Meantime Glantz, the ecclesiastical councillor, proceeded in his pathetic harangue : "Oh, Kabel, my Kabel,” he ejaculated, and almost wept with joy at the near approach of his tears, “ the time shall come that by the side of thy loving breast, covered with earth, mine also shall lie mouldering and in cor
ruption, he would have said: but Flacks starting up in trouble, and with eyes at that moment overflowing, threw a hasty glance around him, and said" with submission, gentlemen, to the best of my belief I an, weeping;" then sitting down, with great satisfaction he allowed the tears to stream down his face ; that done, he soon recovered his cheerfulness and his aridity. Glantz, the councillor, thus saw the prize fished away before hi eyes, those very eyes which he had already brought into an Accessit,* or inchoate state of humidity: this vexed him : and his mortification was the greater on thinking of his own pathetic
• To the English reader it may be necessary to explain, that in the Conti. nental Universities, &c. when a succession of prizes is offered, graduated ace cording to the degrees of merit, the elliptical formula of “ Accessit” denotes the second prize: and hence, where only a single prize is offered, the second degree of merit may properly be expressed by the term here used,
exertions, and the abortive appetite for the prize which he had thus uttered in words as ineffectual as his own sermons : and, at this moment, he was ready to weep for spite-and “ to weep the more because he wept in vain.” As to Flacks, a protocol was immediately drawn up of his watery compliance with the will of Van der Kabel : and the messuage in Dog-street was knocked down to him for ever. The Mayor adjudged it to the poor devil with all his heart: indeed, this was the first occasion ever known in the principality of Haslau, on which the tears of a schoolmaster and a curate had converted themselves not into mere amber that incloses only a worthless insect, like the tears of the Heliades, but, like those of the goddess Freia, into heavy gold. Glantz congratulated Flacks very warmly; and observed, with a smiling air, that possibly he had himself lent him a helping hand by his pathetic address. As to the others, the separation between them and Flacks was too palpable, in the mortifying distinction of wet and dry,--to allow of any cordiality between them; and they stood aloof therefore: but they staid to hear the rest of the will, which the now awaited in a state of anxious agitation.
Art. III.--Memoirs of Anacreon. By J. E. Hall.
(Concluded from page 94.) Remote from the intrigues of the court, and unruffled by the din of contention, our days were joyful and serene like those which nurture the beautiful Halcyon.* Enjoying the uninterrupted society of a friend whom I esteemed, and a wife whom I loved, the gods had left me nothing to wish. When I reflected upon the happiness which this intercourse produced, I could not but acknowledge the source of it. “How sweet to the soul of man,” would I exclaim, “is the society of a beloved wife ! when wearied and broken down by the labours of the day, her endearments soothe, her tender cares restore him. The solicitudęs and anxieties, and heavier misfortunes of life, are hardly to be borne by him who has the weight of business and domestic vexations to contend with. But how much lighter do they seem, when, after his necessary avocations are over, he returns to his home and finds there a partner of all his griefs and troubles, who takes, for his sake, her share of domestic labour, upon her, and soothes the anguish of his soul by her comfort and participation. By the immortal gods ! a wife is not, as she is falsely represented by some, a burthen or a sorrow to man. No, she
* Simonides explains this trite metaphor : “ For as Jove during the winter season gives twice seven days of warmth, men have called this clement and temperate time of the year the nurse of the beautiful Halcyon. (King-Fisher.)