I sometimes passed hours in study- excitement roused me into someing a move, whilst my antagonist thing akin to actual enjoyment. sat with the patience of a hundred We exchanged shots without effect; Jobs waiting for my decision and I apologized, and so the affair endcogitating his own. In process of ed. I invited him to renew our time I had a perfect chess-board game, but he shook his head, and delineated on my sensorium, and good-humoredly observed that, completely lost the tedium of too much as he loved chess, he feared much leisure in playing games as I broken heads and bullets more. walked the streets, or sat smoking The story took wind, nobody would a cigar in my easy chair. Nay, I venture to play chess with me after sometimes played games in my this, and thus I lost my main chance sleep, which, if I could only re- for killing time. member them, would shame a Philidor. While I considered myself a mere scholar, I suffered myself to be beaten with perfect docility; but, in process of time, as I began to fancy myself a proficient, and my whole soul was absorbed in the game, I did not bear a beating with so much philosophy. I began to be testy, and to revive my old doctrine of chances, insisting upon it that chance governed this as well as every other game. My master bore all this good-humoredly, and, even when I grew at length so irritable as not to bear a defeat, he would slily get up, open the door, and retire on the outside, before he cried check-mate, for fear I should throw the chess-board at his head. It is inconceivable what trifles will overcome a man who has no serious business in this world. It happened one hot summer day, we got warmly engaged at a game, and had locked ourselves up, that we might remain undisturbed. It lasted eight mortal hours, at the end of which my antagonist treacherously drew me into a stale mate, when I actually had the game in my power. Unfortunately his retreat was cut off by the door being locked; the consequence was, that I discharged the chessboard, men, castles, elephants, and all, at his head, with so unlucky an aim that it checkmated him flat on the floor. The result of this great move was a duel, which I honestly confess was one of the pleasantest events of my life. I had something to do and something to fear, and the "Too much care will turn a young man gray," as the old song says, and too little is as bad as too much. For want of something else to think about, I began to think wholly of myself. I grew to be exceedingly tenacious of my health, my accommodations, my raiment, and my food. I ate much, walked little, slept enormously, and got the dyspepsia. Having nothing to love, to call forth my affections, or to excite my ardent hopes and fears, I concentred them all upon myself. The object of our exclusive love is ever the focus of all our solicitudes, and never fails to call up fears, whether real or imaginary. I had now reached the high hill of life, and was beginning to descend. The little changes of feeling, the slight stiffness of the joints, the impaired activity of the limbs, and the waning vivacity of the whole system, which mark this epoch in the life of man, struck me with dismay. I had nothing else for my mind to prey upon, and it fed upon that with the avidity of a diseased appetite. I consulted a doctor, and that did my business. A dose will convince a man he is sick, if he only imagined it before. No physician, who knows his business, will take a fee, without giving a prescription in change; for a good workman knows how to make business. However, mine turned out a pretty honest fellow. Finding, after a twelvemonth, that I complained worse than ever, he advised me to take exercise, eat sparingly, and ride a hard-trotting horse. A hard-trot ex ting horse!" exclaimed I in inexpressible horror, "I'd as soon ride a race through the city of Gotham." "Very well, then get married; there is nothing like real evils to banish imaginary ones, and matrimony is a sovereign cure." "The remedy is worse than the disease," replied I, and left him in condign despair. The horrors of a life of perfect ease now crowded thickly upon me, and I became the most miserable of all miserable men, that have nothing to trouble them. I grew fat, lethargic, and was teased with a perpetual desire to eat. I ate till eating became a burden; and slept till sleep was little better than a nightmare, bringing all the horrors of indigestion in her train. I rolled from side to side, I tried to find a soft place in the bed, I rubbed my feet and hands together to restore the circulation of my blood, and tried to think about something to relieve my mind from vague and undefinable horrors. But what can a man think about, who has nothing to trouble him but himself? I became at last unwilling, or more truly, afraid, to go to bed, lest I should be hag-ridden, and quarreled with my fellow boarders, who, having something to do by day, could not afford to sit up with me all night. The consequence of this loss of rest was that, when I sat still a few minutes during the day, I was sure to fall asleep in my chair. It was one warm summer day, the crisis of my fate, when, having taken a huge walk of half a mile to see a picture of Leslie's, I returned overwhelmed with lassitude, and fell asleep in my chair: when I awoke, I found a piece of paper pinned to my sleeve, on which I read the following linesThey say Tom is dead, but the truth I deny, So cease all his friends to be grieved; How can it be said that a man can quite die, Who ne'er in his life has quite lived? I never knew who played me this trick, but I shall ever feel grateful for the lesson, severe as it was. It mortified my pride; it roused my anger; it inflamed my vanity-in short, it created a turmoil, a complete bouleversement in my system; the atoms were set in motion, the waters had broken loose, nature was convulsed, and subsided into a newly-constituted world. I started up with a degree of energy unknown for many a year; I paced the room with unnatural activity, and asked myself if it were possible that I had passed forty years of my life without quite living; that I had been thus far a burden to myself, useless to the world, and an object of laughter to my companions. The struggle was a painful one, and put me into a fine perspiration-but I felt all the better for it. That night I had something to think of besides my aches and infirmities, and the night-mare eschewed my couch. I made up my mind to begin the world anew, and, falling fast asleep, did not awake till the broad beams of morning darted into my windows. I made an unheard-of effort, and, getting up, dressed myself, and was actually down stairs before breakfast was over-whereupon they predicted an earthquake. From this day I resolved to dɔ something and be useful. "I'll let them see," quoth I, "I can quite live as well as other people. I will qualify myself to defend my country; there is a speck of war in the horizon, and every citizen ought to be prepared." I enrolled myself in a volunteer corps, the captain of which, having a mistress in a distant part of the town, always marched us home that way after every turnout, which was every day. The reader may possibly form some remote conception of what I underwent in the service of my country, though he can never realize the extent of my sufferings. Conceive the idea of a man of my habits carrying a musket of fourteen pounds three hours before breakfast, and marching through thick and thin, mud, dirt, and glory, three miles to pass muster before Dulcinea's win dows. I felt inclined to mutiny, and certainly broke the articles of war ten times a day, by privately wishing my captain and his mistress as well married as any couple could possibly be. But the recollection of the man that never in his life had quite lived caused me to swear, on the altar of patriotism, that I would carry arms till the speck of war was removed, though I plunged up to the middle in mud before the windows of the beautiful damsel. I continued, therefore, to trudge right gallantly up one street and down another, with my musket, that seemed like the world on the shoulders of Atlas, solacing myself by privately cursing the captain for leading us every day such a dance. Fatigue and vexation combined, however, worked a surprising effect upon me; I could sleep comfortably at night, I felt no inclination to sleep in the day, I enjoyed my dinner with wonderful gusto, and began to hold the nightmare, the blue devils, and the dyspepsia, in defiance. In process of time the speck of war disappeared from the horizon. Our company laid down its arms, and I was in great danger of backsliding, having declined an invitation to become a corporal of artillery; but whenever I found myself relapsing into my old habits, I unlocked my secretary, took out the mischievous epigram, and felt myself inspired to mind my own business, ride a hard-trotting horse, get married, or any other deed of daring. I determined to take the management of my property into my own hands, and attend to my own affairs, which I had hitherto entrusted to the management of a man who had, I believe, been pretty reasonable in not cheating me out of more than was sufficient to provide for himself and his family. I went to him, and desired a statement of my accounts, with a degree of trepidation that gave me the heart-burn. The man looked at me with equal dismay. Never were two people more fright ened-I at the thought of gaining trouble, and he of losing profit. Finding me, however, peremptory, he in a few days presented me with a statement of his accounts, which exhibited a balance against me of a couple of thousands. It puzzled me how this could be; but it would have puzzled me ten thousand times more to find out. I thought of applying to some experienced friend to examine into the affair; but I had no such friend, and to trust to a stranger was to incur the risk of still greater impositions. Accordingly, I paid the money, glad to get off so well, and resolved hereafter to trust only to myself, even though I should be cheated every day. No one knows the trouble I had from misunderstanding my affairs, or the losses I sustained in consequence of my utter ignorance of the most common transactions of business, and the inevitable suspicions consequent upon it. I did not know what to do with my money, or how to invest it securely, and began seriously to contemplate buying an iron chest, and hoarding in imitation of my father. However, I blundered on, daily diminishing my property by mismanagement, and fretting over my losses; but all this time I was consoled, by the gradual improvement of my health and spirits. My thoughts ceased, by degrees, to prey upon myself, and were drawn off to my affairs. I became busy, brisk, and lively. I defied the nightmare and all her works. I began to relish ease at proper intervals, and, in spite of all the troubles and vexations of business, I was ten times better off than when I had nothing on the face of the earth to trouble me-but myself. I began to comprehend the possibility of a man, without any thing to vex him, being the most miserable creature upon earth. Cheered by this unexpected result of a little salutary worldly vexation, I went on with renewed zeal, and took courage to add to a little troubling of the spirit a little shak- the freezing point. My health daiing of the body. I actually purchas- ly improved-my spirits expanded ed a horse, and trotted valiantly among the dandy equestrians, very little at first to the recreation of mind or body; for nothing could equal the aching of my bones but the mortification of my spirit, in seeing, as I fancied, everybody laughing at my riding. I should have observed, that it was this natural shyness, which formed a part of my character, that always stood in the way of my exertions. It kept me from going into company, from the never-to-be-forgotten night, when, being seduced into a tea-party, I got well nigh roasted alive, for want of sufficient intrepidity to change my position by crossing the room. It prevented my taking refuge in the excitement of dress; for I never put on a new coat that I did not feel as if I had got into a straight waistcoat, and kept clear of all my acquaintances, lest they should think I wanted to exhibit my finery. In short, I was too bashful for a beau, too timid for a gambler, too proud for a politician, and thus I escaped the temptations of the town, more from a peculiarity of disposition than from precept or example. I think I have somewhere reador perhaps only dreamed-that the pride of man waxed exceeding great, from the moment that he had subjected the horse to his domin It certainly is a triumph to sit on such a noble animal, tamed perfectly to our will, and to govern his gigantic strength and fiery mettle with silken rein, or a whispered aspiration. It strengthens the nerves and emboldens the spirits, at least it did mine. By degrees, as I began to be accustomed to the saddle, the pains in my bones subsided, and, feeling myself easy, I no longer suspected people of laughing at my awkwardness. In the warm season I was out in the country to see the sun rise, and in the winter I galloped in the very teeth of the north-west wind, till I defied Jack Frost, and snapt my fingers at their wings, and fluttered like birds released from their iron cages-and my nerves were actually braced up to the trial of looking a woman full in the face, an enormity I was never capable of before. Between my vexations in managing my business, and my rides on horseback, I was a new man, and had an idea of proposing my horse as a member of the College of Physicians, had I not apprehended that they might think I was joking. Still there were intervals in which my old infirmity of sitting becalmed at home, doing nothing, and nursing blue devils, would come over me like a spider's web, and condemn me to my chair, as if by enchantment. These relapses were terrible, and discouraged me beyond measure, for I began to fear that I never should be radically cured. Sitting thus stupified, one summer evening, I was startled by a smart slap on my shoulder, and a hearty exclamation of, "What, Tom, at your old tricks-hey-giving audience to the blues." This was spoken by a merry, careless fellow, who was always full of what the world calls troubles, and who, everybody said, was to be pitied, because he had a wife and twelve children, and was not worth a groat. But he belied the world and his destiny to boot, was always as busy as a bee by day, and as merry as a lark in the evening, and the more children he had the blither was he. Nature had decreed he should be a happy man, and fortune had co-operated with her in making him poor. "Come," said he, "what are you sitting here for, biting your lips, and eating up your own soul-for want of something else? Why don't you sally out somewhere, and do something?" "What can I do?-and where shall I go?-I know nobody abroad and have no ties at home-no fire-side to cheer me of evenings." "Why, become either a beau bachelor, or get married at once, which is better." "Married! pshaw." "Ay, married-if your wife turns out a scold, that is all you want. You then will have a motive for going abroad. If she is amiable, that is still better-then you will have a motive for staying at home." "Faith, there is something in that." "Something!-It is wisdom in a nutshell. There's more philosophy in it than in three hundred folios." "Well, if I thought-" "Thought! never think of it at all-you have been all your life thinking to no purpose-it is time for you to act now. Haven't I proved that you must be a gainer either way "Well, well-I believe-I think -I'll think of it." Do "Think of a fiddlestick. you think a man is the better prepared for a cold bath, by standing half an hour shivering on the brink! No-no-fall in love extempore; you have no time to study characters-and if you had, do you think a man is the wiser for studying a riddle he is destined never to find out? Mark what the poet says." "What poet?" Hang me if I know, or care, but he sings directly to my purpose, and is therefore a sensible fellow. 'List-list-O list,' as the tailor said. Love is no child of time, unless it be To write, to reason, to persuade, to worry, "And you have been married thirteen years?" "Yes, and have twelve children, yet I can talk of love-ay, and feel it too. Come, I have a little party at home this evening; come-see and be conquered." "Well," said I, starting up, "wait till I make myself a little amiable." "No-no-I know you of old. If you once have time to consider you'll get becalmed as sure as a Now or never-this is the gun. crisis of fate." your Riding on horseback had made me bold, and I suffered myself to be carried off to the party by my merry friend; who predicted fifty that I should be times by the way, married in less than three weeks. My It was fortunate the distance was small, or my courage would have served me as it did Bob Acres, and "oozed out of the palms of my hands," before we arrived. friend hurried me on, talking all the way, without giving me time to think, so that I was in the middle of his little drawing-room before I could collect sufficient courage to run away. I made my bow to the lady, sat down as far as I could from all the females in the room, and felt-nobody can describe what a bashful man feels in such a situation. I fancied every laugh leveled directly at me, and, because I felt strange myself, believed that everybody considered me a stranger. Luckily there was no fire in the room, or I should have undergone a second roasting; for I am of opinion, if an earthquake had happened, I could not have found the use of my legs sufficiently to run out of the room, unless it had previously been deserted by the awful assemblage. The recollection of this For some old tree because we've known it horrible probation, even at this dis long No, this is but to put the heart at nurse, Unwillingly to learn his A B C, Under some greybeard, flogging pedagogue, Time's office is to throw cold water on, Not feed the flame with oil." tance of time, makes me shudder. Had I an enemy in the world, which I hope I have not, all the harm I wish him would be to be cursed with that sensitive bashfulness, the |
