finished the study I had now on hand, I should have leisure to resume my religious vigilance. But this leisure did not come, and I suffered myself still to go on. I quieted the remonstrances of my mind with the persuasion, that a man cannot feel equally engaged at all times on any subject; and that, at any rate, I was preparing myself for the duties of life, and why was not this as acceptable service as the performance of my religious duties? Then if conscience answered, that the preparation for future duty, is no excuse for the neglecting present duty, I stifled the suggestion by burying my thoughts in study.

I tremble to this day to think of the hazard I was running, and in how dreadful a ruin it might have ended, if it had not pleased God to send me a rebuke. I had already entered my senior year, and with a heart full of ambition was pressing on to realize, in the honours before me, the darling object of my hope. I had overplied my powers, and they gave way. My body refused to sustain the labours of my mind, and after four weeks' severe illness, it was thought I must sink to the tomb.

Of the early part of my sickness I have no recollection, except of a confused feeling of disappointment and vexation at being thus stopped and frustrated in my career. It seems to me like some long dream, in which I was struggling with envious and malicious foes, who were conspiring against my improvement and reputation. I seemed at length to awake from the dream, and found myself a feeble and helpless man, stretched upon my bed, and attended by friends whose anxious countenances revealed to me their fears.

"What is that bell for?" was the first question I asked. "It is tolling for the Exhibition," said my friend. "The Exhibition," said I, starting with surprise; "how long have I been sick?"

66

Nearly four weeks."

"Exhibition!" I repeated" and I am not ready; I cannot be there; when I had so depended on it-so longed for it and here am I shut out from

be able to go out, Thompson?"

When shall I

"You must lie still," said Thompson, "you are too weak to talk; keep yourself quiet." And he withdrew from the bed.

Thompson's voice and manner struck me, and I at once suspected the truth. Never shall I forget the feeling that

came over me, as the conviction flashed across my mind that I was dangerously ill. A cold thrill ran through my frame, and the sweat issued upon my forehead. "And

is this," thought I, "the end of my hopes? Is it all to end in an early grave and a forgotten memory? Spare me, O God, that I may recover strength before I go hence to be seen no more.'

As soon as my first surprise was over, I set myself to collect my thoughts as well as I was able, and to prepare my mind for the event. And now the wide extent of my folly became visible at once. I saw the full measure of my negligence, and the whole unworthiness of my delusion. I felt the emptiness of that ambition for which I had sacrificed my religious affections, and would have given the world to return to that spiritual frame which I had possessed two years before. Then I thought of my privileges, my opportunities, the discipline I had passed through, the early instructions of my mother, the faithful counsels of my father;—and as I thought of him, I involutarily spoke out," Has my father been sent for, Thompson?

Thompson looked at me with surprise, and after a few moments' hesitation, answered, Yes, and that he was expected to arrive to-morrrow.

To-morrow came, and at the expected hour my father entered the chamber. He had evidently come from a hurried journey, and wore a countenance of anxiety and grief. I held out my hand, and he took it without speaking. We both were thinking of a separation, and for some moments, could not trust ourselves with our voices. At length I broke silence, for I had been fortifying myself for the interview, and had my powers under my control.

"My father," said I, "I rejoice to see you. I know why you are come, and shall feel the easier for your presence. You led me in the beginning of life; and if my life must close, it is a consolation to lean on you at the last."

"The will of God be done," said he, "I had hoped it would be otherwise ordered, but the will of God be done. I am glad to find you look upon it so calmly. Your religion supports you, as I thought it would."

"I trust in God's mercy," said I; "I need it. O, my father, you do not know how foolish I have been, and how nearly I have lost myself in the love of worldly honours." And I told him the state of my mind for some time pre

vious. "But," I continued, "I have humbled myself before God, and cast myself on his compassion. I have thrown away my false ambition, and renewed my vows and prayers, and I hope I have found pardon and peace. I have given up every thing to my Maker, and trust I may depart in hope. Father, give me your blessing."

He knelt down by my bed and prayed. My soul was thrilled by the sound of that voice, so familiar and so loved, and a thousand tender recollections crowded upon my mind. I was refreshed and strengthened as I listened, and lifted nearer to heaven.

66

A long silence continued after he had ended, while we both pursued our own reflections. At length I untied from my neck the locket containing my mother's hair, and handed it to my father. "I wish to leave this," said I, to my sister Jane, with the same injunction with which my dear mother gave it to me. Tell her that it has been a talisman to me in many a difficulty and temptation; and that if I had never suffered myself to be unmindful of it, I should have been spared the only pain I feel at this time. Bid her, therefore, wear it in memory of her deceased brother and mother, and as a pledge that she will never pass a day without prayer; remembering, that if we cannot see how she fulfils this pledge, GOD DOES; and the day is coming when we shall know also."

I was too feeble to pursue the conversation, and soon became faint. I thought myself dying. After I revived, I could catch, from the occasional whispers in the room, that it was thought I could not live through another night. I had nothing further which I wished to say, and I lay quietly, in the perfect possession of my powers, waiting the signal to depart. Oh the indescribable sublimity of that hour! Words cannot picture the solemnity of feeling which pervaded my mind, as my thoughts flew, in the pressure and excitement of the season, with the rapidity of lightning, to the past and to the future,-to my own life, to the truths of Christianity, to the perfections of God, to the promises of Christ, to the prospects of heaven,— and the whole was framed, with an intense energy of which I can now hardly conceive, into a perpetual mental prayer. Thus I was occupied until sleep overcame me, and I was lost in forgetfulness.

It was ordained that we should be deceived. He who had brought me low, intended but to chasten and heal me;

X

and when I had learned all that a death-bed could teach, he again breathed into my frame, and bade me live to praise him.

Seek first the kingdom of God, and the righteousness thereof, and all these things shall be added unto you.

These words were perpetually present to my mind, during my recovery from the illness which I have mentioned, and gave rise to much salutary reflection, which helped to establish my resolution for the future. I felt how easily the one thing needful slips away from those who cease to seek it, and how liable even a religious man is to lose the substance of happiness in pursuing the shadow. I persuaded myself that if the prime object of duty were secured, a man could never feel any thing actually wanting to his well-being; for it is very evident that the pursuit of the highest duty and most permanent good, is consistent with the pursuit and enjoyment of every other object really desirable.

I experienced the truth of this at once, in returning to the studies of my class. My great struggle had been to subdue my inordinate ambition. It had interfered with my religion, and must be sacrificed. It was a dear sacrifice, but I took my resolution, and it was performed. The consequence, I supposed, would be, that I should fall from my standing as a scholar, and graduate with less reputation than I had coveted. This was a mortifying anticipation; but better risk my scholarship than my religion, thought I, and I summoned firmness to brave the result.

This result was quite other than I expected. In proportion as I became indifferent to my reputation for mere reputation's sake, I found myself able to study and recite with greater ease and self-possession. Formerly, my extreme anxiety to do well, and my morbid dread of doing ill, had occasioned an irritability and hurry of spirits, which often threw me off my self-command, and produced the very evils I sought to avoid. But now, having little desire except to do my duty, I was cool, collected, and preserved the full command of my powers. So that, to my surprise, I acquitted myself better than formerly, and rose in my class, rather than fell. A certain portion of every day was sacredly devoted to religious exercises and studies; and the time thus subtracted from classical pursuits was more than compensated by the steadiness of mind and equanimity of feeling which it produced.

Here, then, was the first reward of my renewed fidelity. I was permitted to experience then, as I have always done since, that our religion has the promise of the life which now is, as well as of that which is to come. How many deceive themselves and are miserable, from not knowing this! They sell themselves to the world, and take the world's wages; which, at the moment of death, they are compelled to resign, and then have nothing which they can carry hence. Whereas, in the service of God, they might have no less enjoyed what earth affords, besides all the present and future satisfactions of the soul, which are far richer and purer. There is no state of the mind so happy in itself, and at the same time so fitted for success in the duties of the world, and for contentment amid its difficulties, as the tranquil and composed frame of habitual devotion.

From this time my resolution was taken to devote myself to the ministry. There had always been a prevailing desire in my mind to engage in this office; but sometimes distrust of myself, and sometimes my occupation in other studies, had prevented me from making an obsolute decision. But my late experience had so wrought upon me, that I could think of no other occupation consistent with duty. I suspected it to be my father's wish, though he had never intimated it to me. When I named to him my determination, he expressed his hearty approbation. "This," said he, "is what I have looked forward to with earnest hope. It has been from your childhood my constant wish and prayer, that I might see you joined with me in the great work of the gospel. I rejoice that the day has come, and that, without one doubt or fear, I may encourage you to go on, and bid you God speed. Your faith and perseverance have been tested. You know what trial is, and will be able, from the wisdom of personal experience, to help others who are tried. Enter the work and prosper. You will still meet with trials severe and heavy; but He, in whose strength you have hitherto been safe, will always provide a way of escape if you but seek it."

I would that I had room to record all the instruction which he imparted on this and on other occasions, with the affectionate piety of a Christian minister, and the overflowing tenderness of a parent. I would that I had been more sensible, at the time, of their value, and how much